Token Female

My former spouse died. Should l mourn?

My ex-husband died on what would have been our 28th wedding anniversary-November 23, 2019.

Months later, l am only beginning to process, that l need to mourn his passing.

It doesn’t matter that our relationship had deteriorated in the years prior to our separation. It didn’t matter that we’d wished each other well and moved on to lives that we wanted to lead, and had little contact in the years since–just when our parents died, and when our dog died.

But when relatives and friends of my ex-husband sent messages telling me that he was terminally ill, my heart skipped several beats. I’d been afraid of hearing this since the day our divorce papers were filed.

My husband understood. “You had a life together for a long time,” he said. “You had your dog. You had a house. I’m here for you.”

Why do l need to mourn him?

I mourn that he only got 63 years on Earth
l mourn that the world didn’t get to know the funny, creative guy l fell in love with

l mourn that he succumbed to his demons
l mourn the loss of one of the most passionate, knowledgeable Cubs, musicand movie fans ever

Legacy.com added a few more reasons for mourning my ex-spouse:

“There are two major reasons for the emotional impact of the death of the former spouse:

First, that no matter how painful and awkward the ending was, at one time you loved that person and pledged to love them til the end, even though the end came sooner than you’d hoped.

Second, divorce is a statement of incompleteness. And although the marriage may have ended, the feelings may not have—thus the emotional baggage.”

All true.

But along with mourning, l also found comfort in focusing on the fact that he’s no longer in pain. He’s reunited with our dog, Duke. And rejoice in our shared 20 years together.

Rest in peace, Bob.

Filed under:
Death, Family, Life, Uncategorized

Tags:
Death, Divorce, Healing