Welcome to 30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days, hosted by Portrait of an Adoption. This series will feature guest posts by people with widely varying adoption experiences and perspectives. 

Coming Full Circle in Adoption
By Bonnie Schwartz

I wrote my first essay for Portrait of an Adoption back in November 2012 and I am thrilled to write an update on what has transpired since I wrote, “Opening a Can of Worms”. In that essay, I touched on how I started on my journey to learn my background as an adoptee and what happened as a result of my search.

It has been fourteen years since I started on the path to learn about my background as an adoptee. I never imagined that my search for my birth parents, David and Monika, would lead to contentment with my place in the world. It also has been a very thought-provoking process that has evolved over time as I have shared my story with friends and family.

What has stood out the most is the reaction of people when I tell them that my mom, Gloria, and my birth mother, Monika, are extremely close. I love that they have such a special connection because they both had a part in creating who I am today.

People react with incredulity when I tell them that Gloria and Monika talk on the phone all the time and love to get together as often as they can. I am fascinated by their reaction and can only speculate why they react the way they do.

It is my opinion that media does not do birth mothers, birth fathers, adoptive parents, and adoptees any favors by portraying adoption in a negative light. I grew up with the stigma of being adopted and received glances of pity when I let someone know I was adopted. It made me feel as if I was supposed to be ashamed though I had no reason to feel that way.

To be fair, it also did not help that I am also a person who has been deaf since birth and that surely has garnered a fair share of pity as well. Personally, I think adoption should be celebrated rather than be swept under the rug.

On that note, November is National Adoption Awareness Month. I was adopted in 1971, which meant a closed adoption. Keeping everything under wraps was the norm back then. I like to think that society has come a long way since then to allow open adoption. I think open adoption is a win-win situation for everyone, although not everyone may see it that way. There are many parties involved and it is a very complex situation for everyone but with an open mind and clear understanding, adoption can be a very positive action for all involved.

At the time when I first made contact with Monika, my husband Loren and I were still living in Los Angeles.  Monika lived on the east coast. The distance made it difficult for us to see one another but we tried to visit in person as often as we could.

David and his wife, Thea, came to Los Angeles often and we were able to visit with them which was wonderful and helped to strengthen our relationship over the years. We have learned over the years that when we congregate together, we love to cook up a storm in the kitchen while sipping on cocktails. We have exchanged many recipes and given cookbooks to each other as gifts.

I have also learned that I inherited the bookworm gene from David. I love learning little details like that because I always wondered where I got my love of books from when I was growing up.

In early 2019, we relocated back to New York where I am from originally. Since then, we have been able to visit with Monika with much greater frequency, which has been wonderful. My mom, Gloria, and her husband, Michael, also moved back to New York which means now we are all within driving distance of one another which has been such a blessing.

Being on the east coast also has allowed me to be able to visit with family, both biological and adoptive, that I would otherwise not be able to see if I still lived in Los Angeles.

Sadly, at this time, due to COVID-19, we are not able to visit family, but I look forward to the day when it is safe to congregate together again someday. This is just a side note but I have to note that as a person who is deaf, this COVID business has sucked beyond belief because I cannot lip-read anyone wearing a mask. As a result, I have become somewhat of a hermit.

In reflecting on the original reason why I started the search for Monika — which was for health reasons — I now realize that I have come full circle. In October 2019, I was diagnosed with Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia (ADH) and Lobular Carcinoma in situ (LCIS). It sounds horrible but essentially it is a pre-cursor for cancer and it does not mean I have cancer, much to my relief.

I was able to share this information with my daughter, Talia, and my two sisters from Monika to enable them to take proactive steps. I also let David know, and he was able to pass on the information to my brothers, even though it is not as relevant because of their gender, but one never knows if that information might prove to be valuable someday.

In closing, I have no regrets at all about how everything has transpired since I sent in the paperwork to the New York Adoption Information Registry.

Because of COVID, I’m now curious about how many days have passed since a certain date. I received my first email from Monika on December 16, 2006 which means at the time of this writing, 5,045 days have passed.

That is a lot of days, and I look forward to having a lot more days pass by as we continue on this path that we’re on. I’ve always told people that my philosophy is “Carpe Diem” because life is definitely too short not to make the most of it. In COVID times, I think that especially rings true.

Bonnie Schwartz is now back in NY where she belongs. She spends her days working through data as an analyst which she loves. In her spare time, she reads cookbooks as if they’re novels.

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Carrie Goldman is the host of Portrait of an Adoption. She is an award-winning author, speaker, and bullying prevention educator. Follow Carrie’s blog Portrait of an Adoption on Facebook and Twitter

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My skin has sure been an itching
My nose runs down to my shoes
My stomach has taking up bitching
I got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

Mama just keeps on sniffing
She’s testing the smell of her booze
She might as well just go fishing
She got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

Daddy’s down in the basement
His headache is shading his views
For unmasking is this a repayment?
He got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

The wife can’t shake this bad feeling
That the reason she got a short fuse
Is the dots in her eyes that she’s seeing
She got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

There’s the kitten and our new dog Stumpy
They’ve stopped playing ’round with their chews
They be barking and acting so grumpy
They got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

The teacher his lecture aZoomin’
Some knowledge he hopes to infuse
Worries bout the neck rash that’s a bloomin’
He got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

The boss at my job got a fever
She can’t stop from wanting to snooze
That gal used to be an achiever
Now she got the Could It Be Covid? Blues.

The whole world is off going crazy
It’s our sanity that we might lose
All of our minds going hazy
We got the Could It Be Covid? Blues!

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Joe Biden is 78 years old today. Happy birthday Mr. President-elect.
Nancy Pelosi is 80.
Chuck Schumer will be 70 in a couple of days.
Dick Durbin turns 76 tomorrow.
Steny Hoyer is 81 years old.

These are the leaders of the Democratic party. Not only are all of them seventy and older, all of them have been a part of the Washington power structure for decades. Any one of them could be the poster person for term limits.

When you look at this group, it’s not a surprise that the young people of America would stay away from the polls. To whom could they possibly relate? Who would understand their needs and concerns?

It won’t be too long before these folks will need to be replaced. Biden says he’s a caretaker president. Pelosi pledged that this will be her last term as Speaker of the House. But, who will be there to replace them when they go? Which of the younger members of the party will be ready to step up? Is there anyone?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez  has made quite a name for herself in her two short years in Congress. But, do you see her in a leadership role anytime soon? Can you picture her as a future Speaker? Can you picture any members of The Squad in that role? In the latest election, nine freshman incumbent congresspeople were defeated in their attempt to win a second term. So much for new Democratic blood in Congress?

As for future presidential candidates, Kamala Harris will have the inside track for the 2024 nomination. At that time, she’ll be sixty years old. What will her challengers look like? Will Bernie Sanders, at age 83, take another shot? Elizabeth Warren will be 75. Her time has probably past.

So who is the new hot young political thing? Beto? Stacy? Mayor Pete? Maybe someone no ones knows as of now? The next mid-term is only two years away. The next presidential election is only four years from now. Both seem like they’re away, but in the political world, time moves fast. We need to get younger.  I hope we have a few who can step up to the next level. We need to do it sooner than later.

Related Post: Joe Biden is a much nicer guy than me

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Saturday afternoons have been silent at Eastern Illinois University’s O’Brien Field this fall, yet there has been plenty of cheering at a number of Charleston homes and apartments.

Since the Panthers have not played a fall football schedule because of the COVID-19 pandemic, members of the EIU coaching staff with ties to Pat Fitzgerald’s Northwestern program have had more time than usual to follow the Wildcats. And there has been much to get excited about as No. 19 NU has roared to a 4-0 start heading into Saturday’s key Big Ten showdown with 10th-ranked Wisconsin.

While EIU could only get in a 15-practice fall camp last month, second-year head coach Adam Cushing has found a purple lining in the clouds.

“It’s certainly been fun to watch (NU’s unbeaten start),” said Cushing, who spent 15 years as an NU assistant first under Randy Walker and then with Fitzgerald. “I’ve watched it all. It’s special. It’s a rare thing that a football coach gets to see every single game of his other favorite team.

“People ask football coaches all the time who else they are fans of. You’re not really a fan of other teams, not at least the ones you grew up being fans of. You’re a fan of people that you’re connected to. The ones you have great friendships with. That family bond that comes from this game.”

Cushing stays in regular communication with the Northwestern staff, particularly Fitzgerald.

“From being there (at NU) for such a long time, it’s just been an exceptional opportunity to be glued to the TV and have a rewind button and all the fun things that come along with watching it at home,” he said.

Heavy hearts

Cushing, who was hired at EIU two years ago next month at age 38, is a Chicago native who played at Mount Carmel High School and then for the University of Chicago.

Cushing’s staff includes five assistants — including both coordinators — that spent time in Evanston on the NU football staff. A sixth, director of football performance Joe Orozco also came from NU.

The 30-year-old Orozco, a native of Tinley Park who played collegiately at North Central College, died this past weekend. 

http://www.chicagonow.com/prairie-state-pigskin/2020/11/eiu-northwestern-mourn-the-loss-of-assistant-football-coach/

Northwestern is expected to have a helmet decal honoring Orozco as well as a moment of silence at Ryan Field prior to Saturday’s kickoff.

Fitzgerald addressed his team Tuesday on Orozco’s passing; Northwestern football posted a video clip on YouTube. 

The ties that bind

EIU defensive coordinator Chris Bowers was Northwestern’s director of player personnel. The Lima, Ohio native helped build the Northwestern roster that won the Big Ten West title in 2018.

Chris Bowers

“In a normal season I don’t really invest emotional energy in another program. You just don’t have it in you because you’re so caught up in yours,” Bowers said. “I don’t have the hate for the (NU) rivals that I once had. That part of me stayed in Evanston. But your love of the (NU) staff and players . . . you go back with some of these players to when they were juniors in high school (being recruited) . . . and now to watch them make plays on Saturdays is so fun to see. You also have really strong relationships with the coaches and want to see them have success.”

Offensive coordinator John Kuceyeski grew up around Northwestern football; his father Randy and uncle Ron played for the Wildcats in the 1970s. The senior Kuceyeski coached at Libertyville High School for more than three decades and won the 2004 Class 7A state championship.

John Kuceyeski

“My oldest sister (Erin) was a student manager on the (1995) Rose Bowl team with Fitz, so she was the same age as him when they went to college together. That gave us another rooting interest,” Kuceyeski said. “I remember going to practice and getting hooked up with my first sweat suit, which is a big deal as a young kid. And since then I’ve had another sister go to school there, so we’ve got quite a few ties with Northwestern within our family.

“It was fun rooting for them growing up. They weren’t the perennial powerhouse, and then we had a chance to go to the Rose Bowl as a family, which was an incredible experience along with the Citrus Bowl the following year. They’ve always been that No. 1 team that we rooted for from a college standpoint.”

Like Cushing, Kuceyeski has viewed every Northwestern victory this season.

“It’s DVR if we were practicing, but I’ve had a chance to watch every single game start to finish,” he said. “Two weeks ago, I went home when we had really nice weather in Chicagoland and did a little bit of socially distanced tailgating with my dad and my sister out in the yard with some other Northwestern fans. As a coach you never get to tailgate like that.”

Kuceyeski plans on returning to watch the Wisconsin game with his father this weekend.

“That’s always on the top of my priority list when I can do it,” he said.

Other staff connections

EIU quarterbacks coach Chris Batti was an intern and graduate assistant at Northwestern for four seasons under Fitzgerald before later coaching at Harvard and Fordham. Batti is a Glenbrook South graduate.

In addition, EIU receivers coach and recruiting coordinator Mark Philmore II was a two-time All-Big Ten selection at wide receiver for the Wildcats.

Philmore caught 163 passes for 1,768 yards in his Northwestern playing career (2002-05). At the time his NU career ended, Philmore ranked fourth in receptions and fifth all-time in receiving yards.

Dan Hernandez (offensive line) and Neal Renna (safeties) also spent time on the Northwestern staff.

Color coordinating

So when the clock shows 2:30 Saturday afternoon and the teams are taking the field in Evanston, TVs in Charleston will be tuned to the Wildcats. And perhaps for a day, the EIU staff will don a different shade of blue.

“Yeah, 15 years of it, we own a few,” Cushing said with a laugh. “I had one on last Saturday and the Saturday before that and the Saturday before that . . . it’s either Panther gear or ‘Cats gear. It consumes your house.”

Bowers did two different stints as a Wildcats assistant. 

“I gave away thousands of dollars worth of Northwestern gear, but I still have a ton,” he said. “This fall is the closest I’ve been to being a fan in the last 21 years — and I don’t want to repeat a fall like this again because after all, I’m a coach — but it has been fun with Northwestern’s success.”