As far as I know in the history of the world nobody has ever died because they ran out of TOILET PAPER. Imagine a few short months ago somebody writing a column on the front page of the NY Times, (that “Great Lady”) about Toilet Paper, wow. Thanks to Kate Murphy for at least trying to come to grips with the hoarders of the world of Toilet Paper. No doubt the Coronavirus Pandemic is having a universal effect the world over on people’s basic health and financial situations.  However, another complete surprise has the world’s anthropological behaviorist salivating and that is the universal panic buying of toilet paper which has spread around the world as rapidly as the virus itself.

Even though there have not been any serious disruptions in the supply (mostly a surprise) it has been very difficult to find on store shelves. We have all seen it for ourselves stacks and stacks of toilet paper piled high on those carts, sometimes two carts. I enclosed the photo below for those who had to leave Mt. Everest and are just now reaching civilization. In most stores, the food supplies, for the most part, are readily available, but boy! try finding something to wipe yourself once the food is fully digested. This mysterious phenomenon is even more baffling when one considers that COVID-19 symptoms are primarily respiratory not gastrointestinal.

I guess the world’s fascination with TP goes back to 1891 when most Toilet Paper historians ( and believe me there are plenty now) credit Seth Wheeler who received a patent on rolled and perforated toilet paper. Above is the original drawing of his invention presented to the patent office. As one can clearly see the flap comes over the top and down the front thus leaving no doubt how the roll was intended to be loaded. I have actually heard people discussing which is the proper way, I would estimate on more than 50 occasions. Case closed, Seth showed the way.

Before toilet paper was invented by Mr. Wheeler, or readily available, people used seashells, leaves, corn cobs, animal pelts and I’m sure several other devices. Indeed every once in a while the question comes up, what do combat troops who are out in the bush and away from any type of ablutions use when it comes to mother nature?  One thing I will tell you, we did not carry rolls of toilet paper to go along with 55 pounds of weapons, ammunition, food, and a variety of other vital supplies. TP was not a priority, to say the least. It was one of the above. Our NY Times author Kate Murphy goes even deeper in her story and reports the ancient Greeks and Romans (who developed a great habit of recording everyday life) used small ceramic disks and also sponges impaled on the end of sticks which were then plunged into vinegar or salt water for the next persons use.

As we can see from Seth Wheelers original diagram,  manufactures might have added dyes, print’s, perfumes, and soothing aloes, but TP has pretty much remained the same for 129 years and as we can see from recent events probably won’t be going away anytime soon. Unless of course, we count the introduction of WET WIPES which were originally intended for infants which are now marketed aggressively to adults. Wet Wipe sales have soared to $1.1 billion annually, worldwide, up 35% from 5 years ago. Imagine a squad of Marines carrying a pack of DUDE WIPES along with their weapons and ammunition.

Kate Murphy has reported that these wipes which are heavily advertised as FLUSHABLE (see above photo) have begun to coalesce with grease in many city’s sewer systems to form blockages as big as airliners. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find out how many Lobbyists are greasing our elected politicians on behalf of the Wet Wipe industry? Screw city’s sewer systems, probably until we are all wadding ankle deep in our own crap will someone catch on. Most experts agree that toilet paper is less sanitary than water. Bidet’s or toilet attachments such as Washlets or Tushy’s are the way to go according to experts. However, even in France where bidets were in abundance are no longer installing them due to space and cost. So Tushy and Washlets may very well be the future.

On a personal note, I remember back in 2005 the Chicago White Sox had a Japanese second baseman by the name of Tadahito Iguchi who was a Tokyo resident. When not traveling with the White Sox team. He loved the City of Chicago and everything about it, except (you guessed it) his custom toilet that he left behind in Tokyo. (SEE ABOVE PHOTO) He missed it so much he had it shipped to Chicago and then all was right in the world. Indeed the Japanese have cornered the market with their toilets, heated seats and temperature-controlled water,  and other instruments that make going to the toilet equal to a nice hot shower. Who knows maybe someday in America there won’t be any paper or flushable wipes to hoard. Nah! I guess I’m dreaming. Please stay safe.