Duck, duck, goose.

Five years ago I talked Barb into leaving our home of 25 years and doing a bit of downsizing, shrinking both our square footage and my daily commute. Barb’s biggest must-have was a spot with some visual interest; something like a house on a pond.

We found the pond, we bought our lot, we built our house. All has gone swimmingly. But the beautiful, calm, relaxing pond is also the source of our biggest annoyance. As a kid I loved Garfield Goose; as a senior, I hate all geese.

Migrating geese have always made their summer home in the area. The Homeowners Association rents pairs of swans for each of the subdivision’s three ponds, in an attempt to keep the geese away. And through the years the swans have been moderately successful in their task.

This summer has been different. Our swan pair did not breed, and since they have no cygnets to protect, they have minimal interest in keeping the geese at bay. In fact, the swans’ performance has been downright lackadaisical. I am giving a thumbs down for this years’ Swan Lake.

And without the Swan Police, the geese have been having their most prolific season ever. Three brooding pairs with a total of 15 goslings, none name Ryan, reside around our house.

So 21 geese in total, the babies now as big as their parents. The geese block traffic. The geese honk. And the geese poop. Oh lord, how they poop. Viscous, lumpy, black, green, and white poop. All over our lawn. All over our driveway. I am so ready to foie gras those damn pests.

Barb and I hose down the driveway five or six times a day, and within 20 minutes the geese have reloaded it. They tend to scatter when Cooper our labradoodle is out, but they return as soon as he disappears into the house. And when Cooper is outside he loves eating all that poop. Don’t ask me to describe what it does to his GI system.

I have been scouring the Internet and the aisles of Home Depot and Menards looking for the best goose repellant. Lots of geese-ridding chemicals are advertised, but the reviews say they don’t work, and who wants to use more toxic, staining, chemicals anyhow. Solar-powered strobe lights and electronic bird noises are sold as deterrents, but the lights are too intrusive and the noises too eerie.

After weeks of suffering, I found a product I am willing to take a chance on. Dog Decoys. Silhouettes of dogs, life-sized, meant to be loosely anchored to wooden stakes and allowed to rock’n’roll in the breeze, are advertised to scare away the geese. They are a counterpart of the blow-up owls many neighbors hang from their eaves to chase away woodpeckers.

I ordered two, and they arrived yesterday. I hammered their posts into the ground, said a little Bracha over them, and hopefully, said goodbye to Cooper’s goose-poop-smorgasbord.

Will this work? Day one has been a success. Our driveway is clean and shiny. But is this a long-term solution? I don’t know, but I promise to pass the word when I find out!

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