Portrait of an Adoption
We Give Our Kids Pieces of Ourselves, and We Watch Them Go.



Welcome to 30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days, hosted by Portrait of an Adoption. This series will feature guest posts by people with widely varying adoption experiences and perspectives.
We Give Our Kids Pieces of Ourselves, and We Watch Them Go.
By Allison Banta
I am mama to two heart girls, one by biology and one by adoption. I know – have always known – that our first love was never only ours. There are heart spaces that do not belong to me. They are for her first family. They are a shape I cannot fill.
Perhaps because of this, I pay close attention to the feelings that happen in our home. Often it is complicated. There is such fun. So much joy. There is also such grief.
Healing and pain. Trauma and loss. Excitement and worry. We are short on neither laughter nor tears.
The Big Feelings are present always. They hover, just below the surface, ready to shout “surprise!” at a party we haven’t ever invited them to.
If you know grief or trauma, you know this.
We try hard to listen. To learn. To love in the face of every emotion. Adoption is joy. Adoption is also grief.
There is no “only” over here. There is both/and. We grieve the losses and reach for connection, and we do it all at once, together, in a wild mix of joy and sorrow.
And so, even as we swiftly approach having only big kids in our house – we are ok. We are learning the ordinary, heartrending love that is a child growing up.
They are eight and nearly five years old now. It seems impossible, but we are ok with the growing up. We have learned “a bit little”, as they said when they were small.
We know that real joy cannot exist unless real sorrow does. We know that happiness and grief are not mutually exclusive. Big Feelings must all be felt, or else none will be.
Our hearts break when they grow, of course. Tiny bits, all the time. Eight years in, I think it’s ok – this breaking. It’s just my heart, watching them grow.
Surrendering the child who once needed me for every small thing. One teensy piece at a time. If we had to let go all at once, we would crumble. And so instead we let them go in tiny pieces.
I don’t think we get the pieces back. I’m not sure we ever were meant to.
They stay with the people we love, don’t they?
We break our hearts, leave bits of ourselves for others. We bind up bravery and love, tenacity and kindness and strength. We stitch up our every good thing, and we give it away.
We watch them fly; on wobbly feet or a tricycle or a two-wheeler. In their first car. Off to college. Away for their first real job.
We give our kids pieces of ourselves, and we watch them go.
May the pieces hold, my loves.
The pieces will hold, my loves.
Bio: Allison Banta is a reluctant southerner who spends most of her time chasing smallish people and dogs, and ensuring that everyone wears underpants to school. In her 19 spare minutes a day, she is also a student and freelance writer.
* * * *
Carrie Goldman is the host of Portrait of an Adoption. She is an award-winning author, speaker, and bullying prevention educator. Follow Carrie’s blog Portrait of an Adoption on Facebook and Twitter
To continue receiving posts from Portrait of an Adoption, simply type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button.
Filed under:
30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days
Tags:
30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days, adoptees, adoption, NAAM, portrait of an adoption
-
Advertisement:
-
Advertisement:
-
Welcome to ChicagoNow.
-
Buy “Jazzy’s Quest”
-
“Bullied” wins book award!
-
Award-winning author of Bullied
-
Subscribe by Email
Completely spam free, opt out any time.
30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days – 2017
DAY 1: Rising From Loss: I Am Unwanted And Wanted
DAY 2: I Have a Piece of My Daughter in Them
DAY 3: I Would Not Give Up Until I Learned The Truth About My Life
DAY 4: Adoption Is Not A Fairy Tale; It Is Real Life
DAY 5: My Transracial Testimony
DAY 6: If I Had Done A Collage Of Me When I Was Young
DAY 7: It’s Our Normal; It’s How We Became A Family
DAY 8: 13 Life Lessons About Love And Adoption That I Learned From My Mom
DAY 9: If They Could See My Boys Now
DAY 10: Reading With Clark, Or The Case Of The Missing Parents
DAY 11: Chase Is My Brother; I Love Him And Protect Him Like A Big Brother Should
DAY 11: Being Adopted and Inept Parenting: A Lethal Combination
DAY 13: She Is Free To Be Who Her Mind And Heart Truly Know She Is
DAY 14: A Letter To My Father
DAY 15: I Kiss This Boy’s Cheeks In Twos
DAY 16: On Destiny and Complexity
DAY 17: What Do Hairstyles Have To Do With Adoption?
DAY 18: 184 Days With You
DAY 19: This Amazing Young Person Brought Together Young, Old, Black, White, Jews, Christians
DAY 20: Adopting Never Gets Easier But It Does Get Sweeter
DAY 21: My Birthplace Became A Reality
DAY 22: Everyone Has Their Puzzle Completed Except Me
DAY 23: Faithful In The Process
DAY 24: I Had Successfully And Safely Brought Him Into This World
DAY 25: The Kindness Of Strangers
DAY 26: The Birth Of Adoption At The Movies
DAY 27: It Is Okay To Be Okay
DAY 28: What Adoption Means To Me
DAY 29: A Family Meant To Be
DAY 30: A Nine Year Old Transracial Adoptee Shares Her Insights And Wisdom
Meet The Blogger
Carrie Goldman
I am a writer, artist, wife and mother of three fantastic girls! My new children’s adoption book is Jazzy’s Quest: Adopted and Amazing, and my adult nonfiction book is Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs To Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear. And I LOVE chocolate!
Recent posts
-
We Give Our Kids Pieces of Ourselves, and We Watch Them Go. »
Carrie Goldman on Portrait of an AdoptionPosted today at 5:02 am -
Trying to Help My Daughter Through Remote Learning »
Carrie Goldman on Portrait of an AdoptionPosted Saturday at 5:55 am -
Rooted in Adoption »
Carrie Goldman on Portrait of an AdoptionPosted Friday at 5:42 am -
I Knew I Would Love My Kids, But Nothing Could Prepare Me for the Magnitude. »
Carrie Goldman on Portrait of an AdoptionPosted Thursday at 5:23 am -
What Will Life Look Like For Him at 21? »
Carrie Goldman on Portrait of an AdoptionPosted Wednesday at 9:11 am
Latest on ChicagoNow
-
We Give Our Kids Pieces of Ourselves, and We Watch Them Go.
from Portrait of an Adoption by Carrie Goldman
posted today at 5:02 am -
Chicago Week in Craft Beer, November 30-December 3
from The Beeronaut by Mark McDermott
posted Saturday at 11:55 pm -
Take Care of Your Feet
from Spiritual and Physical Wellness by Sheri McIntosh
posted Saturday at 6:29 pm -
Has Los Angles County traded freedom for safety?
from Life is a TV Dinner by Richard Davis
posted Saturday at 4:38 pm -
Leaks in the White House? Depends on Trump.
from The Quark In The Road by Aquinas wired
posted Saturday at 4:33 pm
Posts from related blogs
-
Lipstick, Lollipops & Life
Most recent post: Feelings of loss & gratitude this month of remembrance
-
The Social Butterfly Mom
Most recent post: 10 Thanksgiving books for kids
-
The Adventures of One Bad Mom
Most recent post: Bad Mom Tips
More from Lifestyle: Parenting
Read these ChicagoNow blogs
-
Cubs Den
-
Pets in need of homes
Pets available for adoption in the Chicago area -
The Barbershop: Dennis Byrne, Proprietor
Chicago writer, editor and author blogs about today’s political and public policy issues.
Read these ChicagoNow Bloggers
-
Candace Jordan
from Candid Candace: -
Mark Andel
from Hot Dog Diaries: -
Weather Girl
from Chicago Weather Watch:
- About ChicagoNow
- •
- FAQs
- •
- Advertise
- •
- Recent posts RSS
- •
- Privacy policy (Updated)
- •
- Comment policy
- •
- Terms of service
- •
- Chicago Tribune Archives
- •
- Chicago Internet Marketing Services
- •
- Do not sell my personal info
©2020 CTMG – A Chicago Tribune website –
Crafted by the News Apps team