The Coming Biden-Trump Test-Taking Showdown
today at 1:18 pm
My usually unreliable sources are reporting that Joe Biden has accepted Donald Trump’s Cognitive-Test Challenge. With one amendment.
Biden is upping the ante. He has proposed that they simultaneously take the current SAT test on national television, with Alex Trebek acting as proctor.
After initially demurring in a tweet, “It’s going to be rigged,” and following with,”They picked the wrong Alex for proctor. I’m demanding “always fair” Alex Jones. People tell me Trebek is a well-nown aranchist,” Trump, though, finally consented to the match.
The proposed name of the event was contained in a White House briefing document, but it has been revealed that Trump didn’t actually read it before he signed off on the proposal. Hence, the producers are going with the title, “The J0seph Shapiro Memorial SAT Presidential Showdown.” Even with projected odds at 1,000,000 to 1, Las Vegas is not accepting any betting.
When, er, if Biden scores the higher grade , his $10,000,000 prize will go toward Covid -19 vaccine research. President Trump declared that his prize money would head for a “worthy charitable cause” run by an undisclosed bank in Seychelles.
“Remember, they were against him in 2016 too,” vehemently argued the new White House press secretary, Roger Stone.
BREAKING NEWS: President Trump has just consented to star in a two-part new Reality-TV match, pitting the POTUS against Mario Rubio in what has been dubbed a “rematch” of their infamous clash during the Republican Presidential Debate. The first episode will feature a hand-measuring contest. The second ititled “The Measures of Manhood.” The show’s executive producer, Ivanka Trump, has selected as judge internet star Stormy Daniels (who has now contritely confessed, “I made that whole $136,000 thing up and it has nothing to do with my $500.000 judging fee”). Trump has tweeted ” This is going to be a class event. I’ve had s solid gold yardstick crafted just for the show. I predict ratings beyond, umm, compare.”
This will be a wiener-,er, winner-take-all competition. Rubio has committed the billion-dollar prize money to training a military force–made up of pre-Castro Cuban property owners and Eric Prince–to re-invade the island. “No landing in the Bay of Pigs this time,” thundered the Florida senator. Trump is donating all earnings to a “worthy charitable cause” run by an undisclosed bank in the Cayman Islands.
All of the preceding has been reported by our unidentified-to-us unreliable fake news source.