This has been a hard month. Despite the difficulties, I am trying to be mindful. I am trying to be present.

And because Passover begins in two days, I am expressing myself through pesadech trope.

If they had done a successful surgery but I wasn’t permitted to stay in the hospital, dayenu.
If I had been permitted to stay in the hospital but didn’t have anything to eat, dayenu.
If I had something to eat but had not been able to teleconference with Mike’s doctors about his care, dayenu.
If we had been able to teleconference with Mike’s doctors about his care but not with the children, dayenu.
If we had been able to talk to the children almost daily, but did not have access to a rehab facility, dayenu.
If we had access to a rehab facility but it wasn’t equipped to diagnose COVID-19 when Mike became symptomatic, dayenu.
If he didn’t have COVID-19 but he did have blood clots in his leg, dayenu.
If the clots in his leg broke apart and moved to his lungs, dayenu.
If the clots in his lungs didn’t give him a heart attack but his medicine made his brain bleed, dayenu.
If the blood thinners didn’t make his brain bleed but impacted his cognition and healing, dayenu.
If his cognition and healing improved with time but we were being rushed out of the hospital, dayenu.
If we are rushed out of the hospital but he has to wait for at-home care, dayenu.
If he receives at-home care but he can’t access necessary chemo, dayenu.
If he can get his chemo but can’t monitor for life-threatening side effects…

I know I should sing another dayenu, but it’s hard when my children are so far away. It’s hard in the thick of it. It’s hard to know when there’s enough to be grateful for, knowing there’s something else coming right behind whatever the thing is right now.

It’s hard when the hospital is out of pillows and the nurses are wearing donated gloves. It’s hard when it’s always another thing, and another thing, and another thing to overcome. But that’s the point, isn’t it?

During other Passovers, we say, “Next year in Jerusalem.” Tonight I hold my breath and hope, “This year, at home. For at least one night, unlike all other nights, let us be together.”

For those of you unfamiliar, this is Dayenu:

Fury: Women’s Lived Experiences in the Trump Era is out now!

Read more about Passover and Bran Cancer here: When the Angel of Death Passes You Over

Read my most recent post here: Fury: Women’s Lived Experiences During the Trump Era

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