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As I see it, western culture is all about telling other people what “I” have going on. It goes without saying that social media is all about this – which can be great fun, but it’s very self-obsessed and its good purposes can be tainted by a culture that puts the self in front of others at such a rate that the sense of self for the individual is almost destroyed – because it’s not balanced by caring about other people.

And focus on the self is often the downfall of society – I’ll bet you can easily see this if you think back on history.

These past few months have taught me to listen, not just how to get other people to see my point of view.

Look at comments by many people these days on the most hot-button issues – it’s frequently the desire to tell “MY” perspective. There really is no listening to anyone else and choosing instead to give another person (or group of people) time and attention to figure out what that person or group is ACTUALLY saying. Just focusing on them – not on ourselves – to LISTEN and HEAR, instead of giving knee-jerk reactions that doesn’t take into account another person’s point of view.

So what does listening mean as far as what I’m writing here? Well, this could refer to so many things right now – anything from mask-wearing to not mask-wearing – (which to me is pretty simple – just follow the guidelines as posted to keep other people safe – I don’t LIKE masks, but if it can help out I will do it) – to racism – which exists because some folks don’t know a basic human rule – treat people the way you’d want to be treated and anything less is not acceptable. This is at the root of racism, and it’s such a simple rule to follow.

And somehow, usually without meaning to, one person’s story of racism and the trouble they have experienced ends up morphing into someone else’s personal struggle – when the one person who first spoke was just asking to be listened to and understood.

The listening and sitting in the uncomfortable emotion someone else is experiencing is so hard for us. We always seek to make someone else or ourselves “feel better” right away – and while there’s no time like the present to take action for the better, short-term actions don’t provide long-term relief. Sitting in that uncomfortable emotion for a while is the meaningful impact of long-term solutions.

For example, many people have heard stories of racism and have turned it into their own guilt stories for simply being a certain skin color – and I mean, white people – mostly women from what I see – feeling badly about the treatment of black people and carrying guilt within for the treatment of others. But then, the story of pain – inadvertently – turns into a white story of pain instead of a black story of pain.

You see how that jump doesn’t really work even though the initial reaction of guilt is something I do understand. It’s just not a productive emotion.

It’s a sticky wicket, though. As a white person, the message was loud and clear that remaining silent meant that you were not supportive of fighting racism. Saying too much could turn your message into something about oneself.

I really hesitated writing a blog post, because I wanted to see how things unfolded, how I processed my own emotions, etc., before I “took pen to paper,” so to speak.

Here are some things that I have considered and am passing on to my teens:

The most important thing you can do is to listen to others. Don’t start sharing YOUR experiences – just listen. This goes for anyone, but the racial tensions of the past few months have showed us that there has been an undercurrent of tension for a lot of black folks that many of us white folks were simply unaware of. We didn’t experience it as white folks, and now the floodgates have opened. Proactively try to understand other people’s experiences to help yourself become a better person.

Don’t assume you know a person’s story. One thing I have seen as I have been reading numerous stories is white people assuming they know a black person’s experience. Honestly, a lot of white folks THINK they are helping – but let someone who knows tell you THEIR experience. While many groups are now speaking for black people, I have learned to be VERY COGNIZANT that everyone’s experience is different, and no one likes to have their experience told to them: “Your life must be very hard being black, and I feel so badly you’ve endured that.” Nope. Condescending. We don’t know another person’s experience – let them tell you at appropriate times what their lives have been like, if they want to.

Saying “I don’t see color” isn’t a statement of accepting a person’s humanity; it’s dismissive of who they are. Sure, every person wants to be treated like a human being (shocker!) with dignity and respect. To be recognized as a human being, regardless of skin color, gender, etc. So that’s a given. But, it’s also appropriate to recognize that folks have differences – race, belief system, etc., are all important attributes of the individual and it’s fine to both recognize AND celebrate those differences. I read one person say to not look at America as a “melting pot” where we all combine into one non-unique entity but instead as a “salad bowl,” which combines many different elements together while allowing those elements to stay true to who they are.

Being willing to see other perspectives. Just because you always thought of something a certain way doesn’t mean you can’t revaluate your thinking to see another perspective. Being open-minded is called – you guessed it – an “Open Mindset” as opposed to a “Fixed Mindset” where thinking is rigid and limiting. Have an open mind is the basis for positive changes and improvements inside and outside of the self.

I also saw a post where a young black woman made a sweeping negative comment about all white people, and another person posting told her she was racist for making an overall negative comment. Another person posting said no, it’s not possible for a black person to make a racist comment against a white person.

Not true. Racism – in whatever form – can be used by anyone to form a negative opinion of another group of people without cause.

Even if the comment appears to be “positive” about a group of people and their intelligence, athleticism, business savvy, etc., or whatever stereotype you’re using, whenever you reduce a person to not being an individual, you can dehumanize them.

It’s a sticky wicket for sure. The show “Modern Family” has really walked that line a lot, but the reason it works for that show is that the individuals making the stereotypical statements are a part of that group – whether it’s age, race, gender or other stereotypes, the characters in the show can say outrageously funny things because we – and the characters are in on the joke. It’s humor that humanizes instead of dehumanizes.

Another point is that while racism can go “both ways,” oppression does not. Black people have never oppressed white people. I can see how the shadow of slavery, along with being kept out of doing things that help you to move up financially in the world – education, home loans, business loans, etc., creates a cycle of resentment, mental health issues and repeated problematic behaviors for some folks.

And this is worth repeating: the snippets you get on the news and what you read are also individual stories – and if that writer or speaker is speaking of their own experiences or drawing their own conclusions you can learn from that individual, but not everyone’s experiences or opinions are the same, and it’s important to remember to honor that.

Human beings are complex – we cannot simplify our thoughts, experiences, beliefs, actions and behaviors into neat little compartments. As a favorite priest of mine used to say “Life is messy, and we need to manage it as it is, not as we would like it to be.”

While it may seem easier for people to process their thoughts and opinions by compartmentalizing, it’s an injustice to do so – we should bear in mind that we need to listen, and listen well.

It is the search for common ground and experiences that will make our interactions with each other meaningful. When I say common ground, I’m referring to basic human emotional requirements such as feeling a sense of purpose, feeling valued for who we are, being treated fairly, becoming productive individuals, leaving a legacy, etc.

I’m sorry our world has had to suffer so much. Truly though, this is nothing new. The human condition is partly figuring out how to manage suffering, how to make things better, how to move ahead. For as destructive and vicious as humans are, we are also creative, intelligent, loving and pragmatic.

In my heart, I believe most people are very good. Most want to see others and themselves succeed. Let’s see MORE of this kind of behavior in our world – and let’s hope our media outlets cover it. We need to be inspired by our world’s stories – not just beaten down by negativity.

Recently the Dalai Lama was quoted regarding eliminating the “we and they” concept and becoming more open to developing “the oneness of human beings.”

How beautiful. How not so hard for the individual to start with these basic ideas.

Namaste.

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You are already keeping a pandemic journal of sorts. Take a look at your 2020 calendar.

Starting in March, mine is a pattern of large Xs wiping my schedule clean of Book Club, friends coming over for dinner, visit to Botanic Garden, and ten other things, all cancelled.

By April it was Zoom calls instead: weekly Family Dinner call, storytelling event, epic 25-person family call, and more.

May brought the unusual – a Zoom seminar about Sandhill Cranes coming through, a Zoom call with a favorite old friend I rarely actually talk to, checking in.

By June, I had stopped crossing things out – it was routine now to have no expectations – and I was getting a little tired of Zoom.

Now in July, I look ahead and see the hopes recorded there that cannot come true – the visit from old friends that would have ended today now postponed until next year, the trip to Iowa for 2 weeks of writing classes replaced by a virtual weekend writing workshop, the annual 4^th of July Siblingfest at a lake house replaced by a Zoom call. Not the same, to say the least.

How else would you like to keep track of this startling and devastating time? Here are some writing prompts to choose from if you care to record your experience for yourself, or for future generations. (Imagine the delight of a descendant who comes across your 2020 Pandemic Journal in a few decades.):

How did it first hit you that this disease would take us over?

What has been your hardest adjustment? Your easiest?

What are your best coping strategies?

What is your work life like right now?

Who have you lived with? What has that been like?

Who have you not been able to see?

What has changed in our country due to the pandemic? For the good? For the bad?

Describe your emotional journey.

What have you learned about yourself?

What has this experience taught you; what do you know now that you didn’t before?

How has this changed you?

How much or how little do you feel at risk from the virus? When and where do you feel the most vulnerable?

Who is your favorite expert on the virus? Your favorite leader?

What is the greatest loss you have experienced due to the pandemic?

What has kept you going?

Do you think this will be a turning point for you? How will you be different?

What will be your greatest pleasure when we can finally be free of restrictions?

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Give it a try. We may be quick to forget.

Check out the most recent Ms Crankypants posts for a record of her thoughts as the pandemic came over us. And please subscribe if you’d like to keep up!

As you might have figured, the Great Taste of the Midwest in Madison, WI, will not be taking place this August. The event’s organizers, the Madison Homebrewers and Tasters Guild, will be hosting a “Backyard Taste,” to make up some of the funds being raised for their local charity beneficiaries. They are taking pre-orders for a Steelys stainless steel pint cup at $20 each. The fundraiser will go forward if 1,000 pre-orders are received. The process will also involve local site pickups to be determined. Pre-order at this link.

Regrettably, some of the beer establishments that have re-opened under Phase IV of the “Reopen Illinois” plan have had to close, albeit temporarily, when one of their employees tested positive for exposure to COVID-19. This has happened on Saturday at the Werk Force Brewing tap room and Chicago Brew Werks in Plainfield. The employee had last worked there on July 5, and reported feeling ill afterward. Werk Force is closed while the rest of their employees get tested, and will reopen when they can. Sovereign in Plainfield is facing a similar situation.

Monday, July 13

Tuesday, July 14

Wednesday, July 15

Thursday, July 16

I was once cautioned against using “love” in business situations, even when it was “I’d love to help” or “I’d love to talk to you about that job.”

When I was asked to think of something fresher, but also enthusiastic, I realized that “delight” and “delighted” weren’t getting out much — one of the original criteria for Words Worth Defending.

Well, they’re getting out even less these days, I observe. Not much is delightful anymore about staying home so much and seeing closed storefronts, not open doors. So when something re-opens or you can get to see someone at last, don’t lean too much on “love.” You don’t want to give your favorite shop a hug, no matter how much you may like the person behind the counter.

A sincere “Welcome back” will be lovely to hear, and I look forward to saying “I’m delighted to be back.”

Margaret Serious has a page on Facebook.

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“Fake it till you make it” is an expression we have all heard at some point. A way-of-life mentality to encourage confidence and an optimistic outlook. A saying that we should tell ourselves when taking on new roles and challenges in order to shift our mindset into believing we are capable.

Well, I don’t like it and here’s why…

“Fake it till you make it” is encouraging us to create a false reality. To put on a front for those around us. Some may do this masterfully, but for most of us it is a challenge. And the challenge comes from within. If we are faking the funk, but internally still self-sabotaging, then we are running a race on a treadmill. You cannot not “make it” as the saying goes, if you do not actually believe you can “make it.” So if your body is doing one thing and your mind is doing another, it will always be a losing battle.

Your internal dialogue and the health of your spirit will always rise above the shell that you are in. What I mean is, the energy and light that we omit from the inside will always shine through whether it is bright, dim, or dark. You cannot fake the frequency your soul vibrates on so stop trying to hide it. Our spirit communicates beyond words and it deeply craves connection and a sense of being “seen” or felt by others. This is why we feel so alone when we are in a place of “faking it.”

Instead of faking it till you make it, embrace the unknowns. You cannot fool yourself, so don’t try to. Listen to the fears and doubts that arise. Shed light on all the uncertainties so you can gain your confidence and reassure yourself that “you got this!” And if you don’t got this, which is sometimes the case, allow yourself to be transparent with where you are at in that very moment. Being honest with yourself allows others to step in and offer that fellowship we all need. It also illuminates the spaces within ourselves that need healing.

So I suggest instead of “fake it till you make it” how about we start saying, “Face it till you make it”.
Face the self-doubts.
Face the negative self-talk.
Face the insecurities.
Face all the discomforts.

Face it until you have the capacity, the self-love, and the full belief that you will make it.

We’ve all  heard the arguments for opening up the schools next semester.   Many who advocate for opening maintain that another year of isolation would engender irreparable emotional damage to children, to say nothing of irredeemably stunting intellectual growth.

Time for  a hypothesis: I’m going to ask you to imagine two, say, eight- year-olds living today in the midst of the worsening pandemic. Student One has stayed home for a year waiting for the development of an effective vaccine. Student Two has been returned to the classroom.  Clearly,  Student Two, for the year. will enjoy better emotional and intellectual health.

Now let’s picture the two  students about, say, thirty years from today. And compare them.

Student One looks back to the year of not attending a classroom.  Student One is recalling how–along with millions of others– a year  passed  devoid of direct interaction with teachers and fellow students.  Slightly scarred emotionally, Student One  reminisces about   the exile with a rueful sigh of nostalgia.  Intellectually, though playing academic  catch-up later,   no serious ground has been lost  today  after three decades..

Student Two recalls that,  she did indeed get infected.  And as  the advocates for opening had  predicted, she suffered no symptoms.  Trouble is, the classroom’s teacher relinquished her life to Covid-19.  Or perhaps it was Student Two’s parents  and/or her grandparents who became  fatalities of the plague. Now, 30 years later, Student Two wonders if…and is plagued by guilt.  It is Student Two who has been  traumatized and who is burdened by permanent psychological damage.

Now please consider which of the two students stands a stronger probability of severely enduring emotional devastation.

Sure you want kids back into the classroom at this juncture in history? Or will patience keep  families and teachers from becoming patients.

Avoiding stress is usually on the list for living a healthy lifestyle. It is typically behind eating healthy and exercising. I feel like eating healthy and exercising is in my control. Stress comes looking for me. Most of us do not intentionally place ourselves in stressful situations. Life circumstances bring stress into our lives.

Stress is a physical and mental response to life experiences. Everyone has stressful events in their life at some point of time. We have life events involving work, family, or health that may cause stress.

When you experience stress, your body responds by releasing a hormone that increases your heart and breathing rate. This is okay when you experience short-term stress; however, if you are experiencing long-term stress it can be detrimental to your health. Long-term or chronic stress can cause several health issues including depression, anxiety, obesity, high blood pressure, and heart disease. With short-term stress you can feel the change in your body. Some people under chronic stress have experienced it for such a long time they ignore the impact on their body. They have insomnia, anxiety or are short tempered and do not realize that stress is at the root of their problem.

There are things you can do to help you cope with stress. It is okay to admit that you feel stressed. Practice self-care and do not feel like you are being selfish. There is nothing wrong with taking some time out for yourself. Find time to relax. Try deep breathing exercises, prayer, and meditation. Take a bubble bath. Listen to your favorite music. Use a journal to write down your feelings. Do not make unrealistic goals that you will pressure yourself to reach. (This also includes not letting other people create unrealistic goals for you.) You want to use positive activities to cope with stress. If you feel overwhelmed and cannot get a handle on your stress seek professional help.