They were there.

No fuss, no ballyhoo, but queer artists have been a significant part of Bronzeville’s South Side Community Art Center since its founding in 1940.

You might or might not see it in the art.

That’s the main takeaway from “EMERGENCE: Intersections at the Center,” on exhibit at SSCAC through July 2.

“EMERGENCE: Intersections at the Center”
Through 7/2: Tue-Sat, noon-4 PM or by appointment; South Side Community Art Center, 3831 S. Michigan, 773-373-1026, sscartcenter.org, free.

In the early decades, while vice squads were policing relationships between consenting adults and exposure could mean ruin, artists (and just about everyone else) tended to be discreet about their personal lives.

But there was coded messaging. The exhibit includes a 1946 letter from painter Ellis Wilson, then based in New York, that asks the Center’s director to connect a visiting friend with “the kind [of people] he knows here—he has a lot of artist friends here.”

Read into it what you will.

Ditto for Wilson’s 1947 oil painting, Figure on Beach (on loan from Bates College Museum of Art). It presents a Black man reclining on sand, his blue pants, a basket of colorful fish, an aura of mystery.  

In that persecuting environment, SSCAC and Bronzeville itself—which had a rich, multifaceted nightlife—were known as relatively welcoming spaces. The exhibition brochure notes that “well-known Black gay authors Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Alain Locke, and Lorraine Hansberry all had substantial ties” to the Center.  

“We tend to think of the south side as conservative,” cocurator (and SSCAC’s archives and collections manager) LaMar R. Gayles Jr. says, “but in actuality there was a lot of cultural diversity.” That said, Gayles adds, “I think, in most of the 20th century, artists felt like if they were known as gay and Black, they would have two hurdles to jump. And one hurdle could pit them against their own people.”

The show, cocurated with SSCAC programs and public engagement manager Zakkiyyah Najeebah Dumas-O’Neal, and organized by Northwestern University professor and SSCAC board member Rebecca Zorach, focuses mainly on the period from 1940 to the 1980s, and on the diverse work of 11 artists, most of it drawn from SSCAC’s own collection. It includes those who, today, would be comfortable identifying as LGBTQ+, along with a few known as allies and inspirations. Many of them came here to study at the Art Institute of Chicago, one of the few major art schools open to Black students in the earlier part of the 20th century.  

The exhibit occupies the Center’s first and second floor galleries, and is broken into four thematic groups covering early years, nightlife, mixed media and still life, and the human figure. The work ranges from Bobbe Cotton’s 1946 costume design for SSCAC’s famous annual Artists and Models Ball to Ralph Arnold collages, Mikki Ferrill photos, and Berry Horton’s sophisticated midcentury modern semi-abstractions. Horton’s satirical and fantastical pen drawings—the most sexually explicit pieces in the show—are housed in an “adult content” vitrine.

A pair of sculpted heads, by artists working three-quarters of a century apart, bookend the whole thing: Richmond Barthé’s naturalistic 1938 Shoe Shine Boy, and Juarez Hawkins’s 2012 Headtrip II.  

Headtrip II by Juarez Hawkins. Credit: Deanna Isaacs

“SSCAC was a venue when there weren’t many venues for Black artists,” Hawkins told me. “My generation had it easier in terms of access. There were more venues popping up, and it was a time where it was more comfortable being LGBTQ. You didn’t have to be underground so much. In the 40s, 50s, even into the 60s, in Black communities, it was there, but not there, in a way. You knew who may be queer in your community, but didn’t have these labels. Women who loved women didn’t necessarily call themselves lesbians. I don’t remember anyone calling themselves gay when I was coming up, and my mother had a number of queer friends. There was an underground, and if you were in the circle you knew who was who. But this was also a time when it was dangerous to be openly gay: you could lose your job, you could lose your family. So, an interesting tightrope.”  

Seen from the front, the Hawkins piece is a straightforward woman’s face in the style of Barthé, whom she admires. It could be a well-behaved companion piece to his shoe shine boy. But from the back, it’s Barthé exploded—a cacophony of other heads and voices bursting from the skull in their own surprising emergence.

Read More

My laptop died last week. My laptop couldn’t die when I was in the office, with capable tech support people close by. Oh, no. My laptop lost its will to live when I was thousands of miles away, in a country where I don’t speak the language. So, I wasn’t able to access my Savage Love email—which is a problem, since no questions means no column. So, I put out an SOS on Instagram, asking my followers there to send me their quick-and-dirty questions. I wrote my responses on my phone . . . which I dropped at one point, shattering the screen, BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID. So, my laptop is dead, my phone is broken, and my thumbs are bloodied. But I got this week’s column done with the help of my followers on Instagram. Thanks, gang. —Dan

Q: In the mountain climbing community there is a backlash against a route at a particular climbing site that’s named Gangbang. Critics say it refers to a nonconsensual sex act. Your thoughts?

A: Missionary position in the absence of consent is not sex, it’s rape; a gangbang with consent is not rape, it’s sex. That said, most representations of gangbangs in film, porn, literature, etc., portray nonconsensual scenarios with women as the victims, and it’s understandable why some would want the name of that route changed. So, change it.

Q: What do you do when you’ve told someone who is supposed to be a friend to stop making sexual comments but they keep saying sexually charged things?

A: You realize this person isn’t a friend and hang out with your actual friends instead.

Q: British fag here. (I mean, cis gay guy in his mid-30s in the UK.) I am living in Germany. My question: You had a British caller living in the USA on the Savage Lovecast a few episodes back and he said his accent alone unbuckled belts there. Is it true? German guys do not find my accent sexy. But if I moved to the States would I be drowning in cock?

A: Cock is a solid (ideally), not a liquid (although with a powerful enough blender, anything is possible), so you would be choking on cock over here, not drowning in it. And, yes, a British accent is a plus in the USA—because unlike Europeans, Americans don’t have to put up with mobs of English tourists hopping on cheap flights, terrorizing our city centers with their drunken bachelor/bachelorette parties, and puking on our doorsteps.

Q: How do I tell my friends and family that I’m poly now?

A: Use your words.

Q: Best way to tell your hubby his armpits have started to smell? (He’s never needed deodorant before!)

A: Use your words!

Q: How do I tell my boyfriend nicely that he needs to brush his teeth more often? He’s very sensitive to this kind of feedback, but I don’t want him to have stinky breath in a work meeting!

A: USE YOUR WORDS! When my breath stinks or I need to take a shower or use some deodorant, I’m grateful when my partner says something to me—because I’m a grown-up. If your partner can’t handle this kind of feedback, you need to ask yourself why you’re wasting your time on someone who isn’t a grown-up.

Q: I’m a 40-year-old woman. I was sexting with a guy (29) who started sending me nude/sex pics (including face shots) of another woman he had been with, without her consent. He thought it was sexy, but I was repulsed. Teachable moment or trash him?

A: If you ghost him, he’s likely to assume the photos he shared (and the massive consent violation they represent) weren’t the issue or even an issue. He needs to know. So, teach then trash.

Q: Can you please explain the difference between transgender and transsexual? A lot of arguments happen online about the semantics of these foundational definitions, so some clarity would be appreciated. Thank you!

A: Definitions and redefinitions come at us so fast these days—to say nothing of redefining old definitions as hate speech—that there’s no point in attempting to answer this question. Because by the time this column is published, odds are good that whatever I write today will be out of date and/or a cancelable offense. But so far as I know right now . . . all transsexual people are transgender but not all transgender people are transsexual. I hope that clears things up. 

Q: Do you think we will keep seeing significant changes in sexual-orientation-self-labeling in the future?

A: In the future everyone will have their own niche sexual orientation for 15 minutes—and their own neo-pronoun and their own pride flag. And it’s going to be even more confusing than it is now, and everybody is going to get everybody else’s orientations, pronouns, and flags wrong all the time, and absolutely everybody is going to be upset with absolutely everyone else, all the time. The oceans will rise and the planet will bake and we will be arguing about whether “cake” can be a pronoun as the meteor hurtles toward earth.

Q: How much time do bottoms really douche?

A: “You can douche all of the bottoms some of the time, and some of the bottoms all of the time, but you can’t douche all of the bottoms all of the time.” —Abraham Lincoln

Q: Will you marry me?

A: I will not—while I am sure you’re lovely, I already have a husband, and a boyfriend in the on-dick circle. (That is a baseball pun just for my older brother. Hey there, Billy!)

Q: My S.O. is good friends with a number of their exes. I know it’s probably a good sign that they are mature, but it makes me jealous and paranoid. How to get over that?

A: Keep telling yourself that being friends with exes is a good sign about your S.O., and then carry that thought to its logical conclusion: being jealous and paranoid about your current being friends with his exes is a bad sign about you —not a fatal sign for this relationship, but definitely something you should work through with a shrink.

Q: I’m that rare thing: the one-minute woman. How do I delay orgasms?

A: Every time this subject comes up, someone recommends low-dose SSRIs. Ask your doctor if they’re right for you.

Q: I’m on antidepressants and my libido has been ZAPPED! How to brainstorm sexy time when you don’t feel sexy?

A: Talk with your doctor about adjusting your meds—that’s the first step. While you work on finding the right dosage, e.g., the dosage that alleviates your depression without killing your libido, a little going-through-the-motions with your partner will keep you in the groove and may even help you catch a groove.

Q: At what age would you recommend I point my teenager to your column and your podcast?

A: I think 15-16 is a good age to start reading and listening—but if you really want your teenager to read my column and listen to my podcast, don’t point them toward Savage Love and the Savage Lovecast. Forbid them from listening and reading!

Q: We are moving to a new house next month, and looking forward to making new sex memories. If you were moving to a new place, what would your first sex act be to break in the new place and what room? We can’t decide where to start.

A: For me it would be a toss-up between the conservatory with the candlestick and the library with the lead pipe.

Q: Parenting young children during the pandemic has not resulted in much sexy time in my marriage. How do we get the sexy back? So far exercise and time apart seems to be helping. Any other ideas?

A: Exercise and time apart will definitely help. One additional suggestion: time together in a place (a bar, a club, a party) where people routinely flirt with strangers. The point isn’t to go home with someone else or to take someone home together, but to see your spouse through other people’s eyes. Seeing someone who wants to fuck your spouse will remind you of all the reasons why you wanted to fuck your spouse . . .

Q: Fun things to do with balls? Sucking ‘em, caressing ‘em . . . what else is there? I worry my testicular game is getting stale.

A: Pressure—gentle to start—can feel great, so add squeezing and tugging to your game. (Tugging does not mean yanking! Yanking is not recommended!)

Q: Husband recently discovered he likes to be punched in the balls. How to do it safely?

A: Punching and kicking—more fun things to do with balls. But when it comes to balls and impact play, a little impact goes a long way. Balls can and do rupture, and the risk of doing real harm can’t be eliminated. So, you’ll wanna pull those punches, and make those kicks more symbolic than they are forceful.

Q: The most important thing to remember when you’re starting a new relationship?

A: New relationships rarely “work out,” in the together-for-the-rest-of-your-lives sense of “working out.” And while LTRs are great, and while LTRs are what most people are looking for (but not all people), STRs (short-term relationships) are what we usually get. We’re likelier to feel good about them, we’re likelier to look back at them and regard them as great, if we don’t think of them as failed LTRs but as successful STRs.

Download the Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com.

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Q: I’m trying to date again after back-to-back negative relationship experiences. Experiences that have made me question my own judgment and ability to set good boundaries. My friends and therapist all pointed out the red flags, but I was apparently blind to them. I love what you’ve said about how there is no “The One” out there for us, only .72s and .83s, and that we have to “round someone up to The One.” But it seems like I’ve been “rounding up” some numbers that were too low. As things stand now, I’ve never felt so mistrustful of people, and I’ve never doubted my own choices so strongly. Basically, my walls have gone up. But I love being in a relationship and I want to be in one again. What should I be mindful of as I venture back into that world? What’s a good way to be deliberate without moving at a glacial pace? What should I be asking myself as I begin to form new attachments, especially after showing such bad judgment in the recent past? —Understandably Nervous Since Upsetting Relationships Expired

A: First, let’s put things in perspective: you had two shitty relationships in a row. While that was no doubt unpleasant, UNSURE, and while it’s understandable you might hesitate to put yourself back out there, two shitties in row isn’t evidence your judgment is flawed. Very few of us can say we haven’t had two shitty relationships in a row, if not more. A shitty person is often the common denominator in a string of shitty relationships, but sometimes shitty relationships happen to good people—and sometimes they happen with good people, i.e., a shitty relationship can happen without a shitty person being involved.

Still, there’s shitty, and then there’s spectacularly shitty. There are also shitty patterns. If you keep picking the same basic kind of shitty person and/or making the same basic kinds of shitty mistakes—such as ignoring red flags, committing too soon, or “working on it” too long—then you need to make changes.

And the single most important change you can make—the thing you can do differently as you head back into the dating world—seems obvious to me, my readers, your friends, and your therapist: listen to your friends and your therapist! They saw the red flags, UNSURE, and pointed them out. The problem wasn’t that you couldn’t see those red flags—you’re not blind—but that you looked away and/or attempted to explain them away. (I’m not blind to the fact that using “blind” to mean “can’t understand or comprehend” is ableist, and I promise not to use it like this again.)

Anyway, UNSURE, the lesson to learn from these two shitty relationships isn’t, “No more relationships for me! I can’t trust my own judgment!”, but instead, “The next time everyone in my life tells me that the person I’m with is shitty or that we’re shitty for each other, I’ll end it.” To be clear: I’m not telling you to substitute the judgment of your friends and therapist for your own, UNSURE, but to supplement your judgment with theirs—unless you wanna empower your friends and your therapist to make an arranged marriage for you, in which case you can substitute their judgment for your own.

Q: I don’t have a super high sex drive, so I generally have sex once or twice a week and mostly for my husband. He prefers sex at night, but I am generally exhausted and disinterested by that point. However, in the mornings I am often horny. Problem is my husband has a medical condition that makes morning sex uncomfortable for him. I occasionally masturbate in the mornings, but I’d rather be screwing him. Do you have any suggestions for how I can teach myself to be horny at the end of the day? —Sexual Time Zones

A: Disco nap—get some sleep early in the evening, STZ, fuck your husband when he comes to bed, watch some television until you’re ready for bed, then enjoy a bonus wank in the AM after he gets up and leaves.

Q: Over the years I have participated in a few threesomes with a friend. We’re not really attracted to each other, so we have mostly focused on our guest stars. We have kissed and groped each other during these sex sessions, though, but otherwise we’ve been pretty hands-off with each other. Here’s the dispute: I say we’ve had sex and I am justified in adding him to my Body Count, he says just being naked in the same room doesn’t count. What do you think? —Mansplain Arithmetic To Homos

A: Won’t mansplain, will dansplain: Let’s say you were naked at a warehouse sex party and your friend was naked at that same warehouse sex party, MATH, and you were fucking one guy at one end of that warehouse and your friend was fucking some other guy at the other end of that same warehouse. That wouldn’t count, MATH, since even if you were naked in the same room, you weren’t having sex with each other. But if you were fucking some dude’s ass while your friend fucked that same dude’s throat—in a warehouse or a bedroom or an RV at Burning Man—then it would count. Threesomes are sex, MATH, and if you and your friend have had threesomes together, then you and your friend have had sex with each other. (While I don’t like to police the language people use when they talk about sex—I support abolishing the language police—I’ve never liked the expression “Body Count.” While using “My Number” to mean your total number of sex partners is boringly literal, reading about literal body counts in the news every day makes me want to keep “Body Counts” out of my sex column.)

Q: I’m a gay man in his late 20s living with my boyfriend. We are monogamous but I have a hard time being faithful. I’m in love with my boyfriend, he is caring and sweet, and the sex is good. But sometimes I feel this hunger inside of me. I desire other men. I look around at work or at the gym or when I’m out shopping, and all these other men turn me on. I cheated on my boyfriend once when we were on holiday together. I did it in a clumsy, selfish, and inconsiderate way, and my boyfriend saw me. I felt bad about it and apologized. I want our relationship to work because I love him, and we are such a good team. Please give me some advice on how to control myself, because right now I feel it is almost inevitable that I am going to cheat again and wind up losing the man I love over nothing. —Is Needing Love Over Variety Endurable?

A: If your boyfriend can forgive you and you can learn to lust after other men without touching them, INLOVE, you can make this monogamy thing work. But don’t kid yourself: however much you love your boyfriend, you’re always gonna wanna fuck other men. And unless your boyfriend is a toaster with a dildo duct-taped to it, he’s always gonna wanna fuck other men too. So, maybe instead of having to pretend you don’t find other men attractive—instead of having to lie to each other—you can give each other a little space, i.e., a little erotic autonomy. Be monogamous, yes, but go ahead and flirt with other guys, check hot guys out together, watch and share porn that turns you both on, and then plow all that sexual energy back into your relationship and into each other.

But if you wind up cheating again . . . there are two ways to look at the cheating you’ve already done and the cheating you might do in the future: you’re a terrible person who can’t honor a monogamous commitment, INLOVE, or you’re a good person who shouldn’t be making monogamous commitments. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t failing at monogamy, INLOVE, but rather monogamy was failing me. When I stopped making monogamous commitments I couldn’t keep, my committed relationship(s) began to thrive. If being in a closed relationship leaves you feeling frustrated and generates conflict—internal and relational—and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in an open relationship, then you two might not be right for each other. Two people who aren’t on the same page where monogamy is concerned and can’t negotiate their way onto the same page, INLOVE, won’t and shouldn’t be together for long. You can still love each other, but as exes and friends, not boyfriends.

Q: Can you recommend a good lube, Dan? You see, this Joe Biden guy has been fucking us all in the ass for the last 16 months and it’s starting to hurt. Thank you in advance. —Fuck Joe Biden

A: Just for you, FJB, I’m gonna share my home brew MAGA lube recipe: two parts ground glass, two parts Bengay, two parts pumicite, two parts Icy Hot, and all the “go fuck yourself” you have in the house. Enjoy.

Download the Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com

Read More

They were there.

No fuss, no ballyhoo, but queer artists have been a significant part of Bronzeville’s South Side Community Art Center since its founding in 1940.

You might or might not see it in the art.

That’s the main takeaway from “EMERGENCE: Intersections at the Center,” on exhibit at SSCAC through July 2.

“EMERGENCE: Intersections at the Center”
Through 7/2: Tue-Sat, noon-4 PM or by appointment; South Side Community Art Center, 3831 S. Michigan, 773-373-1026, sscartcenter.org, free.

In the early decades, while vice squads were policing relationships between consenting adults and exposure could mean ruin, artists (and just about everyone else) tended to be discreet about their personal lives.

But there was coded messaging. The exhibit includes a 1946 letter from painter Ellis Wilson, then based in New York, that asks the Center’s director to connect a visiting friend with “the kind [of people] he knows here—he has a lot of artist friends here.”

Read into it what you will.

Ditto for Wilson’s 1947 oil painting, Figure on Beach (on loan from Bates College Museum of Art). It presents a Black man reclining on sand, his blue pants, a basket of colorful fish, an aura of mystery.  

In that persecuting environment, SSCAC and Bronzeville itself—which had a rich, multifaceted nightlife—were known as relatively welcoming spaces. The exhibition brochure notes that “well-known Black gay authors Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Alain Locke, and Lorraine Hansberry all had substantial ties” to the Center.  

“We tend to think of the south side as conservative,” cocurator (and SSCAC’s archives and collections manager) LaMar R. Gayles Jr. says, “but in actuality there was a lot of cultural diversity.” That said, Gayles adds, “I think, in most of the 20th century, artists felt like if they were known as gay and Black, they would have two hurdles to jump. And one hurdle could pit them against their own people.”

The show, cocurated with SSCAC programs and public engagement manager Zakkiyyah Najeebah Dumas-O’Neal, and organized by Northwestern University professor and SSCAC board member Rebecca Zorach, focuses mainly on the period from 1940 to the 1980s, and on the diverse work of 11 artists, most of it drawn from SSCAC’s own collection. It includes those who, today, would be comfortable identifying as LGBTQ+, along with a few known as allies and inspirations. Many of them came here to study at the Art Institute of Chicago, one of the few major art schools open to Black students in the earlier part of the 20th century.  

The exhibit occupies the Center’s first and second floor galleries, and is broken into four thematic groups covering early years, nightlife, mixed media and still life, and the human figure. The work ranges from Bobbe Cotton’s 1946 costume design for SSCAC’s famous annual Artists and Models Ball to Ralph Arnold collages, Mikki Ferrill photos, and Berry Horton’s sophisticated midcentury modern semi-abstractions. Horton’s satirical and fantastical pen drawings—the most sexually explicit pieces in the show—are housed in an “adult content” vitrine.

A pair of sculpted heads, by artists working three-quarters of a century apart, bookend the whole thing: Richmond Barthé’s naturalistic 1938 Shoe Shine Boy, and Juarez Hawkins’s 2012 Headtrip II.  

Headtrip II by Juarez Hawkins. Credit: Deanna Isaacs

“SSCAC was a venue when there weren’t many venues for Black artists,” Hawkins told me. “My generation had it easier in terms of access. There were more venues popping up, and it was a time where it was more comfortable being LGBTQ. You didn’t have to be underground so much. In the 40s, 50s, even into the 60s, in Black communities, it was there, but not there, in a way. You knew who may be queer in your community, but didn’t have these labels. Women who loved women didn’t necessarily call themselves lesbians. I don’t remember anyone calling themselves gay when I was coming up, and my mother had a number of queer friends. There was an underground, and if you were in the circle you knew who was who. But this was also a time when it was dangerous to be openly gay: you could lose your job, you could lose your family. So, an interesting tightrope.”  

Seen from the front, the Hawkins piece is a straightforward woman’s face in the style of Barthé, whom she admires. It could be a well-behaved companion piece to his shoe shine boy. But from the back, it’s Barthé exploded—a cacophony of other heads and voices bursting from the skull in their own surprising emergence.

Read More

My laptop died last week. My laptop couldn’t die when I was in the office, with capable tech support people close by. Oh, no. My laptop lost its will to live when I was thousands of miles away, in a country where I don’t speak the language. So, I wasn’t able to access my Savage Love email—which is a problem, since no questions means no column. So, I put out an SOS on Instagram, asking my followers there to send me their quick-and-dirty questions. I wrote my responses on my phone . . . which I dropped at one point, shattering the screen, BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID. So, my laptop is dead, my phone is broken, and my thumbs are bloodied. But I got this week’s column done with the help of my followers on Instagram. Thanks, gang. —Dan

Q: In the mountain climbing community there is a backlash against a route at a particular climbing site that’s named Gangbang. Critics say it refers to a nonconsensual sex act. Your thoughts?

A: Missionary position in the absence of consent is not sex, it’s rape; a gangbang with consent is not rape, it’s sex. That said, most representations of gangbangs in film, porn, literature, etc., portray nonconsensual scenarios with women as the victims, and it’s understandable why some would want the name of that route changed. So, change it.

Q: What do you do when you’ve told someone who is supposed to be a friend to stop making sexual comments but they keep saying sexually charged things?

A: You realize this person isn’t a friend and hang out with your actual friends instead.

Q: British fag here. (I mean, cis gay guy in his mid-30s in the UK.) I am living in Germany. My question: You had a British caller living in the USA on the Savage Lovecast a few episodes back and he said his accent alone unbuckled belts there. Is it true? German guys do not find my accent sexy. But if I moved to the States would I be drowning in cock?

A: Cock is a solid (ideally), not a liquid (although with a powerful enough blender, anything is possible), so you would be choking on cock over here, not drowning in it. And, yes, a British accent is a plus in the USA—because unlike Europeans, Americans don’t have to put up with mobs of English tourists hopping on cheap flights, terrorizing our city centers with their drunken bachelor/bachelorette parties, and puking on our doorsteps.

Q: How do I tell my friends and family that I’m poly now?

A: Use your words.

Q: Best way to tell your hubby his armpits have started to smell? (He’s never needed deodorant before!)

A: Use your words!

Q: How do I tell my boyfriend nicely that he needs to brush his teeth more often? He’s very sensitive to this kind of feedback, but I don’t want him to have stinky breath in a work meeting!

A: USE YOUR WORDS! When my breath stinks or I need to take a shower or use some deodorant, I’m grateful when my partner says something to me—because I’m a grown-up. If your partner can’t handle this kind of feedback, you need to ask yourself why you’re wasting your time on someone who isn’t a grown-up.

Q: I’m a 40-year-old woman. I was sexting with a guy (29) who started sending me nude/sex pics (including face shots) of another woman he had been with, without her consent. He thought it was sexy, but I was repulsed. Teachable moment or trash him?

A: If you ghost him, he’s likely to assume the photos he shared (and the massive consent violation they represent) weren’t the issue or even an issue. He needs to know. So, teach then trash.

Q: Can you please explain the difference between transgender and transsexual? A lot of arguments happen online about the semantics of these foundational definitions, so some clarity would be appreciated. Thank you!

A: Definitions and redefinitions come at us so fast these days—to say nothing of redefining old definitions as hate speech—that there’s no point in attempting to answer this question. Because by the time this column is published, odds are good that whatever I write today will be out of date and/or a cancelable offense. But so far as I know right now . . . all transsexual people are transgender but not all transgender people are transsexual. I hope that clears things up. 

Q: Do you think we will keep seeing significant changes in sexual-orientation-self-labeling in the future?

A: In the future everyone will have their own niche sexual orientation for 15 minutes—and their own neo-pronoun and their own pride flag. And it’s going to be even more confusing than it is now, and everybody is going to get everybody else’s orientations, pronouns, and flags wrong all the time, and absolutely everybody is going to be upset with absolutely everyone else, all the time. The oceans will rise and the planet will bake and we will be arguing about whether “cake” can be a pronoun as the meteor hurtles toward earth.

Q: How much time do bottoms really douche?

A: “You can douche all of the bottoms some of the time, and some of the bottoms all of the time, but you can’t douche all of the bottoms all of the time.” —Abraham Lincoln

Q: Will you marry me?

A: I will not—while I am sure you’re lovely, I already have a husband, and a boyfriend in the on-dick circle. (That is a baseball pun just for my older brother. Hey there, Billy!)

Q: My S.O. is good friends with a number of their exes. I know it’s probably a good sign that they are mature, but it makes me jealous and paranoid. How to get over that?

A: Keep telling yourself that being friends with exes is a good sign about your S.O., and then carry that thought to its logical conclusion: being jealous and paranoid about your current being friends with his exes is a bad sign about you —not a fatal sign for this relationship, but definitely something you should work through with a shrink.

Q: I’m that rare thing: the one-minute woman. How do I delay orgasms?

A: Every time this subject comes up, someone recommends low-dose SSRIs. Ask your doctor if they’re right for you.

Q: I’m on antidepressants and my libido has been ZAPPED! How to brainstorm sexy time when you don’t feel sexy?

A: Talk with your doctor about adjusting your meds—that’s the first step. While you work on finding the right dosage, e.g., the dosage that alleviates your depression without killing your libido, a little going-through-the-motions with your partner will keep you in the groove and may even help you catch a groove.

Q: At what age would you recommend I point my teenager to your column and your podcast?

A: I think 15-16 is a good age to start reading and listening—but if you really want your teenager to read my column and listen to my podcast, don’t point them toward Savage Love and the Savage Lovecast. Forbid them from listening and reading!

Q: We are moving to a new house next month, and looking forward to making new sex memories. If you were moving to a new place, what would your first sex act be to break in the new place and what room? We can’t decide where to start.

A: For me it would be a toss-up between the conservatory with the candlestick and the library with the lead pipe.

Q: Parenting young children during the pandemic has not resulted in much sexy time in my marriage. How do we get the sexy back? So far exercise and time apart seems to be helping. Any other ideas?

A: Exercise and time apart will definitely help. One additional suggestion: time together in a place (a bar, a club, a party) where people routinely flirt with strangers. The point isn’t to go home with someone else or to take someone home together, but to see your spouse through other people’s eyes. Seeing someone who wants to fuck your spouse will remind you of all the reasons why you wanted to fuck your spouse . . .

Q: Fun things to do with balls? Sucking ‘em, caressing ‘em . . . what else is there? I worry my testicular game is getting stale.

A: Pressure—gentle to start—can feel great, so add squeezing and tugging to your game. (Tugging does not mean yanking! Yanking is not recommended!)

Q: Husband recently discovered he likes to be punched in the balls. How to do it safely?

A: Punching and kicking—more fun things to do with balls. But when it comes to balls and impact play, a little impact goes a long way. Balls can and do rupture, and the risk of doing real harm can’t be eliminated. So, you’ll wanna pull those punches, and make those kicks more symbolic than they are forceful.

Q: The most important thing to remember when you’re starting a new relationship?

A: New relationships rarely “work out,” in the together-for-the-rest-of-your-lives sense of “working out.” And while LTRs are great, and while LTRs are what most people are looking for (but not all people), STRs (short-term relationships) are what we usually get. We’re likelier to feel good about them, we’re likelier to look back at them and regard them as great, if we don’t think of them as failed LTRs but as successful STRs.

Download the Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com.

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Q: I’m trying to date again after back-to-back negative relationship experiences. Experiences that have made me question my own judgment and ability to set good boundaries. My friends and therapist all pointed out the red flags, but I was apparently blind to them. I love what you’ve said about how there is no “The One” out there for us, only .72s and .83s, and that we have to “round someone up to The One.” But it seems like I’ve been “rounding up” some numbers that were too low. As things stand now, I’ve never felt so mistrustful of people, and I’ve never doubted my own choices so strongly. Basically, my walls have gone up. But I love being in a relationship and I want to be in one again. What should I be mindful of as I venture back into that world? What’s a good way to be deliberate without moving at a glacial pace? What should I be asking myself as I begin to form new attachments, especially after showing such bad judgment in the recent past? —Understandably Nervous Since Upsetting Relationships Expired

A: First, let’s put things in perspective: you had two shitty relationships in a row. While that was no doubt unpleasant, UNSURE, and while it’s understandable you might hesitate to put yourself back out there, two shitties in row isn’t evidence your judgment is flawed. Very few of us can say we haven’t had two shitty relationships in a row, if not more. A shitty person is often the common denominator in a string of shitty relationships, but sometimes shitty relationships happen to good people—and sometimes they happen with good people, i.e., a shitty relationship can happen without a shitty person being involved.

Still, there’s shitty, and then there’s spectacularly shitty. There are also shitty patterns. If you keep picking the same basic kind of shitty person and/or making the same basic kinds of shitty mistakes—such as ignoring red flags, committing too soon, or “working on it” too long—then you need to make changes.

And the single most important change you can make—the thing you can do differently as you head back into the dating world—seems obvious to me, my readers, your friends, and your therapist: listen to your friends and your therapist! They saw the red flags, UNSURE, and pointed them out. The problem wasn’t that you couldn’t see those red flags—you’re not blind—but that you looked away and/or attempted to explain them away. (I’m not blind to the fact that using “blind” to mean “can’t understand or comprehend” is ableist, and I promise not to use it like this again.)

Anyway, UNSURE, the lesson to learn from these two shitty relationships isn’t, “No more relationships for me! I can’t trust my own judgment!”, but instead, “The next time everyone in my life tells me that the person I’m with is shitty or that we’re shitty for each other, I’ll end it.” To be clear: I’m not telling you to substitute the judgment of your friends and therapist for your own, UNSURE, but to supplement your judgment with theirs—unless you wanna empower your friends and your therapist to make an arranged marriage for you, in which case you can substitute their judgment for your own.

Q: I don’t have a super high sex drive, so I generally have sex once or twice a week and mostly for my husband. He prefers sex at night, but I am generally exhausted and disinterested by that point. However, in the mornings I am often horny. Problem is my husband has a medical condition that makes morning sex uncomfortable for him. I occasionally masturbate in the mornings, but I’d rather be screwing him. Do you have any suggestions for how I can teach myself to be horny at the end of the day? —Sexual Time Zones

A: Disco nap—get some sleep early in the evening, STZ, fuck your husband when he comes to bed, watch some television until you’re ready for bed, then enjoy a bonus wank in the AM after he gets up and leaves.

Q: Over the years I have participated in a few threesomes with a friend. We’re not really attracted to each other, so we have mostly focused on our guest stars. We have kissed and groped each other during these sex sessions, though, but otherwise we’ve been pretty hands-off with each other. Here’s the dispute: I say we’ve had sex and I am justified in adding him to my Body Count, he says just being naked in the same room doesn’t count. What do you think? —Mansplain Arithmetic To Homos

A: Won’t mansplain, will dansplain: Let’s say you were naked at a warehouse sex party and your friend was naked at that same warehouse sex party, MATH, and you were fucking one guy at one end of that warehouse and your friend was fucking some other guy at the other end of that same warehouse. That wouldn’t count, MATH, since even if you were naked in the same room, you weren’t having sex with each other. But if you were fucking some dude’s ass while your friend fucked that same dude’s throat—in a warehouse or a bedroom or an RV at Burning Man—then it would count. Threesomes are sex, MATH, and if you and your friend have had threesomes together, then you and your friend have had sex with each other. (While I don’t like to police the language people use when they talk about sex—I support abolishing the language police—I’ve never liked the expression “Body Count.” While using “My Number” to mean your total number of sex partners is boringly literal, reading about literal body counts in the news every day makes me want to keep “Body Counts” out of my sex column.)

Q: I’m a gay man in his late 20s living with my boyfriend. We are monogamous but I have a hard time being faithful. I’m in love with my boyfriend, he is caring and sweet, and the sex is good. But sometimes I feel this hunger inside of me. I desire other men. I look around at work or at the gym or when I’m out shopping, and all these other men turn me on. I cheated on my boyfriend once when we were on holiday together. I did it in a clumsy, selfish, and inconsiderate way, and my boyfriend saw me. I felt bad about it and apologized. I want our relationship to work because I love him, and we are such a good team. Please give me some advice on how to control myself, because right now I feel it is almost inevitable that I am going to cheat again and wind up losing the man I love over nothing. —Is Needing Love Over Variety Endurable?

A: If your boyfriend can forgive you and you can learn to lust after other men without touching them, INLOVE, you can make this monogamy thing work. But don’t kid yourself: however much you love your boyfriend, you’re always gonna wanna fuck other men. And unless your boyfriend is a toaster with a dildo duct-taped to it, he’s always gonna wanna fuck other men too. So, maybe instead of having to pretend you don’t find other men attractive—instead of having to lie to each other—you can give each other a little space, i.e., a little erotic autonomy. Be monogamous, yes, but go ahead and flirt with other guys, check hot guys out together, watch and share porn that turns you both on, and then plow all that sexual energy back into your relationship and into each other.

But if you wind up cheating again . . . there are two ways to look at the cheating you’ve already done and the cheating you might do in the future: you’re a terrible person who can’t honor a monogamous commitment, INLOVE, or you’re a good person who shouldn’t be making monogamous commitments. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t failing at monogamy, INLOVE, but rather monogamy was failing me. When I stopped making monogamous commitments I couldn’t keep, my committed relationship(s) began to thrive. If being in a closed relationship leaves you feeling frustrated and generates conflict—internal and relational—and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in an open relationship, then you two might not be right for each other. Two people who aren’t on the same page where monogamy is concerned and can’t negotiate their way onto the same page, INLOVE, won’t and shouldn’t be together for long. You can still love each other, but as exes and friends, not boyfriends.

Q: Can you recommend a good lube, Dan? You see, this Joe Biden guy has been fucking us all in the ass for the last 16 months and it’s starting to hurt. Thank you in advance. —Fuck Joe Biden

A: Just for you, FJB, I’m gonna share my home brew MAGA lube recipe: two parts ground glass, two parts Bengay, two parts pumicite, two parts Icy Hot, and all the “go fuck yourself” you have in the house. Enjoy.

Download the Savage Lovecast at savagelovecast.com

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Cannabis has never been more popular in the United States, with an overwhelming number of Americans expressing support for legalization, according to the Pew Research Center. With some 37 states having legalized cannabis for medical use, and sixteen for recreational purposes, more Americans than ever are considering growing their own cannabis.

Buoying this surge further is the 2018 Farm Bill, which helped dramatically boost both cannabis and hemp production in the U.S. Now, demand is higher than ever among Americans looking to grow their own. So, where are they turning? Most likely, to the hundreds if not thousands of cannabis seed banks found online, just a Google search away.

Seed banks, for the uninitiated, are repositories that store seeds to maintain and propagate genetic diversity. Cannabis seed banks online thus provide would-be growers with the seeds they need to get started growing cannabis. The problem, however, is that not all of these are reputable, and there is a wide range in overall quality among these vendors. So many options might leave beginning growers understandably scratching their heads.

Well, that’s where we come in! Today, we’re looking at ten of the very best seed banks from which U.S. citizens—at least in states that have legalized growing your own—can order seeds and start producing their very own cannabis.

Top 10 Cannabis Seed Banks To Buy Seeds Online

RankBrandBest For1.I Love Growing Marijuana (ILGM)Best overall2.Crop King SeedsBest for global shipping3.MSNL SeedbankBest delivery4.SeedsmanBest seed variety5.Quebec Cannabis SeedsBest for promotional offers6.HerbiesBest for convenience7.Ministry of CannabisBest for dependability8.Seed SupremeBest for crypto9.Amsterdam Marijuana SeedsBest for guaranteed delivery10.Weed Seed ExpressBest “new kid on the block”

Ranking Criteria

To some extent, your choice of cannabis seed bank will depend on whether they have the strains that you want to grow. We obviously could not consider that in our rankings, as it varies from person to person. Instead, we focused on the following equally important factors.

Quality of Seeds

Perhaps the most important consideration in our rankings is the quality of the seeds. You need high-quality seeds if you want to maximize your chances of successful germination. High-quality seeds also optimize the quality of your plants, including the buds.

Satisfaction Guarantees

For a seed bank to be considered one of the top options, it needs to have a satisfaction guarantee. Even seed banks with a high quality of seeds will occasionally have lower-quality seeds. The best ones acknowledge that this can happen and take steps to remedy any issues customers have. Of course, a satisfaction guarantee also shows that the seed bank in question has a high level of trust in its products.

Discreet Shipping

Even if cannabis is legal in your state, it may not be in the states your package passes through. And there are still some negative connotations and stigma associated with cannabis. Because of this, we prioritize seed banks that use discreet packaging. Many of the best seed banks not only use discreet packaging but also purposely package it to look like something else, like a DVD case or toy.

Why Trust Us

You should feel comfortable taking our advice when it comes to cannabis seed banks. We’ve helped cannabis growers find reputable seed banks online for years. Over this time, we have reviewed most of the largest and most popular stores, along with many of the smaller ones. We have taken the time to thoroughly compare and contrast each based on the above ranking criteria. 

Simply put, our rankings are the result of years of knowledge, experience, and research, along with a careful point-by-point comparison. 

1.) I Love Growing Marijuana (ILGM) — Best Overall Seed Bank (*Top Pick*)

There’s a reason that ILGM takes the top spot in not only our review but many others. In addition to fantastic customer service and a wide variety of seeds to choose from, they also provide tons of sales and discounts while educating customers through an extensive library of growing resources.

As far as their seeds, the quality is excellent and, importantly, backed by a germination guarantee. They have a variety of classic cannabis strains as well as some you may have never heard of before. As far as safety, ILGM has an extremely solid reputation and their customer service easily competes with the best out there. In fact, on TrustPilot they have more than 4,000 user reviews with an average rating of 4.8/5.

Considering how reputable ILGM is, coupled with an extensive collection of top-quality seeds, it was not at all difficult to select them for the top spot on our list. The only real downside—and it’s a minor one—with ILGM is that it will cost a pretty penny if you want tracked shipping, as it costs $25 (compared to their standard shipping, which is free).

Pros

Monthly deals and promosExtremely reputable and highly ratedGermination guarantee (money back)Discreet packagingFree standard shippingFeatures all the best-known strainsGrowing resources and 24/7 support

Cons

Delivery with tracking will set you back $25

2.) Crop King Seeds — Best for International Customers

Crop King Seeds gets points for its easy-to-use site—some of its competitors still feature clunky sites, which can be unappealing to the modern cannabis grower, skewing younger every year. Crop King Seeds also wins points for being a beginner-friendly site, with germination guides to help you grow (literally!).

With a massive variety of strains, Crop King has received thousands of positive reviews for its seeds, and its reviews are regulated, helping keep out biased or paid reviewers and showing you who are regular customers. Their reviews frequently indicate high germination rates, from 80 to even 100 percent.

To help narrow your choices, use the site’s filters to find what’s best for you. Crop King is also reasonable in terms of shipping, with $10 and $30 for regular and express, respectively, plus free shipping on orders over $300.

Pros

Germination rate of 80 percent or moreSpecial review systemGermination guidesHelpful infographicsFree shipping for larger ($300+) ordersGlobal shipping

Cons

No free shippingOne- to two-week shipping time is among the slowestTargeted to beginners, which might turn off more experienced growers

3.) MSNL Seedbank — Best For Quickest Delivery

MSNL has been in the game for a long time and is definitely among the most reliable seed banks out there. It also offers one of the fastest processing and shipping times, so if you need seeds right away, MSNL should be at the top of your list.

This reputable seed bank also runs frequent promos, enabling you to save some money (especially over the long haul). Although they have a great range of male and female seeds to order from, MSNL does lose some points due to its lack of a germination guarantee.

One thing that does keep it toward the top of our list is its lightning fast and discreet shipping, which has helped make it one of the most popular seed banks online. Another nice feather in MSNL’s cap is the fact that their seeds have won High Times and Cannabis Cups.

Pros

Fast and discreet shippingLot of promos/freebiesSolid strain variety

Cons

Subpar customer supportNo germination guarantees

4.) Seedsman — Best for Selection

Seedsman—true to its name—offers an amazing variety of seeds, many of which are top quality. Whether you’re after feminized seeds, auto-flowering seeds, or rare seed strains, Seedsman will almost certainly have you covered. OG Kush, White Widow, Purple Haze, Girl Scout Cookies—they’ve got all your favorites.

Another nice aspect of Seedsman is they tend to give out a lot of free seeds when buying in bulk. So if that’s you, you’ll reap some additional seeds by going through Seedsman. They also offer worldwide shipping, which makes them a solid option if you’re outside of the U.S.

Although Seedsman is one of our top picks overall, thanks in particular to its extensive seed variety, it does lose some points due to its questionable customer service and somewhat clunky website.

Pros

Worldwide shippingMassive seed varietyFree seeds with bulk purchases

Cons

Subpar customer support

5.) Quebec Cannabis Seeds — Best Deals

Quebec Cannabis Seeds is a great seed bank overall, but particularly if you live in the U.S., as its proximity makes for quick deliveries compared to some other seed banks.

Although Quebec Cannabis Seeds lacks the variety of many of the other seed banks on this list, it helps make up for it in a variety of ways—namely, fast delivery, awesome discounts, and high-quality seeds. They’re an especially good choice if you’re on a budget, as their weekly discounts offer big savings—sometimes up to 50 percent, although often in the still-great 10-25 percent range.

A few other things about this French-Canadian seed bank: It carries a germination guarantee but also has a no-return policy, which seem to kind of cancel each other out, and it also allows for payment in USD—so no need to do any conversions, but be mindful of their 3.8 percent credit card fee.

Pros

Germination guaranteesWeekly discountsFast deliveries to the U.S.

Cons

No return policy

6.) Herbies — Best for Convenience

Herbies also makes our list in large part thanks to its site’s convenient layout. It’s really easy to navigate and figuring out what’s discounted and what’s highly rated is a breeze, thanks to their intuitive, color-coded system.

In addition, Herbies also shares many similarities with the other seed banks listed here in that it has a wide range of top-quality seeds. They also have reliably quick processing and shipping, which can be really important when you’re trying to get a grow operation underway quickly.

Thanks to how easy the Herbies site is to navigate, as well as its solid value in terms of variety, quality, and shipping, it easily makes our list of the best overall online seed banks. Unfortunately, like a fair number of seed banks online, its customer support is sorely lacking.

Pros

Easy-to-navigate websiteReliable and fast shippingTop-quality seeds

Cons

Weak customer support

7.) Ministry of Cannabis — Best for Reliability

Ministry of Cannabis is super reliable, which has helped it gain a lot of happy customers, even though it lacks the number of promos offered by many other seed banks. This seed bank tends to attract serious customers because they have a unique feature: rotating seed stocks.

This attention to the freshness of their seed supply helps make Ministry of Cannabis one of the most reliable seed banks out there. After all, the last thing anyone wants is to get bunk seeds. Another feature that helps them win “best dependability” is their above-average customer support.

Overall, Ministry of Cannabis is a solid choice, even if we’d appreciate seeing more promos offered like many of its competitors. Their fresh supply of seeds is probably why they feel as if they can get away with not having a germination guarantee like many other seed banks.

Pros

Solid varietyFresh seed supplyReliable customer support

Cons

No germination guaranteesFew promos

8.) Seed Supreme — Best for Digital Currencies

Seed Supreme is our “best for crypto” pick because not only do they accept cryptocurrency, like many of the other seed banks featured here, but they even have special discounts for Bitcoin. This makes it an appealing choice in particular for Bitcoin holders, as they can save quite a good bit of money.

In terms of the other usual suspects, Seed Supreme does well. They have a good strain variety and, although their customer support is subpar, they do offer loyalty rewards that pay off over time. You might be better off with a different option if you don’t care about paying in crypto (and specifically Bitcoin).

Pros

Discounts (up to 30 percent!) for paying in BitcoinAbove-average strain varietyLoyalty rewards program

Cons

Lacking in customer service

9.) Amsterdam Marijuana Seeds — Best for Prompt Delivery

Amsterdam Marijuana Seeds insists on having top-notch quality. Although it may lack some of the seed variety of its competitors, you’re guaranteed to receive seeds of the highest quality, making it one of the more reliable suppliers for serious growers.

Another aspect that helps it win “best guaranteed delivery” is the fact that customers have claimed that their orders were guaranteed, even in the event that customs confiscated their packages. This helps make up for the fact that Amsterdam Marijuana Seeds has one of the slowest shipping speeds on this list. This stings a little less though if you’re on a tight budget, as shipping is free.

Pros

Free shippingHighest quality seedsGuaranteed orders

Cons

Slow shipping speeds

10.) Weed Seeds Express — Best New Bank

Every industry has its up and comers and, over time, some of them even manage to supplant the oldest, most well-established companies. Weed Seeds Express might just accomplish this tough feat.

Why? Because they are proving themselves to be one of the most reliable seed banks online, with fast, discreet shipping and a huge variety of high-quality seeds. They also ship worldwide and boast a lot of promos.

The only thing holding back Weed Seeds from claiming one of our top spots is the fact that it’s simply really new to the industry. As long as it continues to do what it’s doing, it will no doubt establish a great reputation and continue to grow (yes, pun intended).

Pros

Frequent promosStealthy worldwide shippingTop-quality seeds

Cons

New on the block

Cannabis Seed Bank FAQ

Q: Is it illegal to buy cannabis seeds in the U.S.?
A: Yes and no. That just depends on where you are! Since each state has their own specific laws, and cannabis has not yet been fully decriminalized/legalized on a federal level (although it’s looking more likely than ever), it depends on your specific state. That said, seed banks usually use an antiquated law to help surmount legal hurdles and conduct their business. This works, in essence, by framing the seeds as either a souvenir or fish bait/bird food. You can see disclaimers about this on their websites.

Q: Which seed banks have the best genetics?
A: The award here goes to the seed banks that have built a great reputation for delivering high-quality seeds: Seedsman, Crop King Seeds, and Amsterdam Marijuana Seeds. These banks, it would seem, test their seeds to ensure that the strains are of the highest quality. Stick to these three if acquiring top-quality seeds is your main preference.

Q: Does it matter how I pay for my seeds?
A: Once again, it depends. Many seed banks actually offer discounts for crypto payments because of the discreet, decentralized nature of how cryptocurrency transactions function. While most accept credit cards, which does offer you some protection through your credit card company, many have a strong preference for cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin. Two that offer discounts for Bitcoin payments are Seed Supreme and I Love Growing Marijuana. With these two, it can definitely add up to solid savings—assuming that Bitcoin doesn’t eventually skyrocket in price one day (clearly this is another factor in the acceptance of Bitcoin by many seed banks).

Q: What’s “stealth shipping” and why should I care?
A: The last thing anyone wants is to have issues with their order in terms of customs/government involvement. As such, it’s nice to order from a seed bank that guarantees discreet shipping. A common method is to include other, inexpensive items with the seeds, such as DVD cases. This helps the package seem less suspicious. Another way to keep a low profile is to resist the urge for expedited delivery or a delivery option that requires your signature.

Q: Which seed banks offer worldwide shipping?
A: Weed Seeds Express, Seedsman, and Crop King Seeds. These will need to be your first choices if you live outside of the U.S.

Tips for Using a Cannabis Seed Bank

Here are a few tips to help you get the most out of your seed bank shopping experience:

Browse a number of different sites so that you can take advantage of any special promos that might be going on.Check to make sure that the site has the payment option that you prefer to use (particularly if you are looking to pay via cryptocurrency).Make sure that they ship to your country/state.Check for a “germination guarantee” and, if they don’t have one, investigate their return policies and customer support. You want to make sure that you protect yourself the best you can.

Wrapping Up

We’ve put together this list carefully to ensure that you go about your cannabis seed shopping in a safe way and don’t get ripped off. So, any one of these should do the trick just fine. Ultimately, what it comes down to is your specific preferences—for example, shipping time, location, payment method, reliability, seed variety, etc. Factor these in so that you make the choice that’s best for you.

That said, you can’t really go wrong with one of the most well-established seed banks such as I Love Growing Marijuana or MSNL Seedbank.

No matter what you choose, happy growing!

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It’s never been easier to meet someone online. There are more singles than ever in the dating pool. Most are in search of a meaningful connection that could lead to a long-term commitment. Landing a real catch in a traditional setting feels like fishing in the Dead Sea: impossible. But dating apps and websites have softened the blow and made it possible to scope out your options from the safety and comfort of your own home. With life online becoming an omnipresent reality, it’s one of the best ways to date. The best part? They actually work.

Now, this isn’t true of all dating sites, and there are plenty to comb through. While it’s nice to have options, digging around for the top dating sites can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. Additionally, veteran daters know that modern dating culture has become murky at best.

Which apps will introduce you to singles who are serious about commitment and not just another hookup? Tinder might be the big dog of swipe-based dating apps, but you likely won’t find anything beyond a hot make-out session or a one-night stand. While most dating sites attract a mix of serious and casual daters, some options generate more success for long-term relationships.

Here’s an overview of the best dating sites that will give you the best chance at finding a real partner. When it comes to love, these apps do their best to find you the perfect match. Whether it’s a particularly advanced matching algorithm, personality analysis, or select group of users, these apps do more for you than your average hookup app ever could.

14 Best Dating Sites To Meet Someone Online For A Real Relationship in 2022

RankSiteBest ForRating1.eHarmonyMeaningful connections5/52.MatchLasting relationships5/53.ZooskThose who love travel5/54.FriendFinderMix of casual and serious5/55.BumbleBest for women5/56.HingeBest for quick, serious matches5/57.OkCupidBest for progressive dating5/58.The LeagueBest for educated singles4.5/59.HappnBest for meeting someone in your social circle4.5/510.HERBest for femmes4.5/511.Silver SinglesBest for older daters4/512.Coffee Meets BagelBest for dating site newbies4/513.AdultFriendFinderBest for open-minded daters4/514.Plenty of FishBest for rural daters4/5

1.) eHarmony 

Ok, so eHarmony puts some cheesy ads out there that might deter you from trying it out, but if you’re tired of dating around, looking for a real connection and maybe just want to put a ring on it, you’re going to want to give it a second chance. Why? Well, eHarmony is allegedly responsible for around 4 percent of all marriages in the U.S. today. Wild, right?

So what gives eHarmony its secret sauce? We guess it has to do with the revamp of their model. Back in the day, eHarmony would put you through the wringer with a lengthy sign-up process and lame alienating questions. Today, the questionnaire is around 30 questions long and very practical. It’ll ask you how you feel about moving in with someone or how you feel about arguments.

It should be noted though that eHarmony hasn’t always been the most welcoming place for the LGBTQ+ community and some users believe that it’s truly a place for the heteronormative. They’ve been working on fixing this major issue, but it seems that it hasn’t yet been totally resolved.

Tip for using eHarmony to find a long-term relationship: Use eHarmony if you are genuinely ready for commitment. Don’t be afraid to set up dates quickly and emotionally open up earlier than you normally would.

2.) Match

Match.com is a dating site that was launched in 1995, and it has been helping daters find long-term relationships ever since. Match is comforting to a lot of people because it’s so familiar and has pretty much provided the blueprint for other dating sites. Not to mention, it has worked hard to perfect its strategy over the years. There’s even a guarantee that you’ll be dating someone within six months, and if you’re not, they’ll give you six months free of charge! That’s how confident they are.

There are two factors that make Match best for long-term partnerships.

Number one is their matching algorithm. When you sign up, you will be put through a rigorous personality quiz. While it can feel a little cumbersome, know that Match is only doing its job. You’ll be asked about your basic preferences along with some gushy romantic stuff (which is important in a relationship).

Number two is that, though it’s technically a free dating site, most users end up paying $20 per month. Yeah, it’s a lot. But love is an investment you should be making for yourself, right?

Tip for using Match to find a long-term relationship: Match is known for their intense matching algorithm, so take your time with the questionnaire and try to make your profile as detailed as possible.

3.) Zoosk

For some, travel is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Zoosk takes the concept of online dating and allows users to connect internationally. But this isn’t one of those “fly me out to hookup” sites. Zoosk utilizes behavioral matching to facilitate genuine connections between folks who may live thousands of miles apart. If you want your first date to involve a plane, this app is for you.

Rather than dragging you through a tedious questionnaire, Zoosk synchs up your social media profiles to analyze your behavior. It’s a unique way to determine personality, but arguably more accurate given that it takes your actions into account.

Zoosk is a crowd favorite because it doesn’t try to distract you with any bells and whistles. It’s got a smooth, modern interface that makes international dating feel like a breeze.

Tip for using Zoosk to find a long-term relationship: Clean up your social media profile. Zoosk uses it to determine your matches. Your matches will likely be able to find your socials as well. If you come across as a player, you won’t land a serious relationship.

4.) Friend Finder

Friend Finder is one of the biggest dating communities on the Internet. It has the feel and ease of a social media platform but ultimately aims to set up romantic connections between singles. There’s a wide range of connections to be made on Friend Finder, from the flings to the wedding bells. You are more likely to meet someone who doesn’t want to commit right off the bat, but knows they want to meet someone special. Friend Finder also caters to all genders and sexualities, giving it a really warm and welcoming feel.

The users on Friend Finder tend to be in their 40s, but anyone who is 18+ is welcome to give it a shot. They also take your safety very seriously and run a tight ship as far as regulating profiles and banning fakes, catfish, and bots. You do feel like you’ve got a matchmaker on your side when you use Friend Finder to find a mate.

Because Friend Finder is more of a community than strictly a dating site, there are various ways to meet people and other ways to enjoy the site. For instance, you can take a look at their interest groups and forum pages to learn how users in the community are feeling about Friend Finder and dating in general.

Tip for using Friend Finder to find a long-term relationship: Treat this community like a social media platform rather than strictly a dating app. It will open up the possibilities for you by introducing you to more people!

5.) Bumble

There’s a lot we don’t love about Tinder. The platform allows ghosters and players to run rampant. That’s why Bumble is the perfect alternative for women seeking a serious relationship with a man.

Bumble is swipe-dating with a twist. It’s a free dating app that requires women to break the ice first. If the man doesn’t respond to the initial message within 24 hours, the match goes away. It’s one of the first dating apps to really hold daters accountable for their ability to follow through. Flakiness doesn’t survive on Bumble.

The women-message-first concept also combats those incessant creepy messages that ladies on dating apps are used to getting. While the profiles are limited and there’s no major questionnaire, the rules laid out by Bumble make it a great environment to start a long-term relationship. Oh, and there’s also an Astrology filter for the horoscope buffs.

Tip for using Bumble to find a long-term relationship: If you are a woman, reach out to all the men that you match with. Remember, they can’t get in touch with you. You need to make the first move before those matches disappear. You swiped right for a reason, right?

6.) Hinge

Many daters cite Hinge as their absolute favorite dating app. While Hinge has introduced a ton of successful couples to each other, the draw to Hinge has more to do with the fact that using the app is fun! The app was originally supposed to match you based on mutual friends you had through social media platforms. But it has evolved since then to be the ultimate icebreaker dating app.

Setting up a Hinge profile takes some time, but it’s entertaining. Once you pick your photos and basic preferences, you can choose through dozens of hilarious or serious prompts to add to the profile. One reads, “A life goal of mine is. . .” while another reads, “We’re the same type of weird if. . .” Hinge users can “heart” someone’s photo or their prompt answer. They can also comment on it, which makes initiating a conversation so much more interesting than on other dating apps.

With engaging profiles and an in-depth matching algorithm, Hinge is the cocktail party that sets the scene for long-term potential. The crowd is generally young, cool, and interested in dating. Its slogan is, “designed to be deleted,” which is kind of awesome!

Tip for using Hinge to find a long-term relationship: Add some humor to your profile by picking funny prompts. This will give your potential matches an icebreaker when they reach out to you.

7.) OKCupid

OKCupid is the woke dating app geared towards socially conscious millennials. It’s been around for a while, but in 2017, OKCupid saw a massive redesign both in aesthetics and operations. Now, it’s incredibly modern and perfect for the liberal-minded dater who is seeking a likeminded partner. With 12 gender identities and 20 sexual orientations to choose from, it’s not hard to see why.

The questionnaire helps to weed out folks who you wouldn’t get along with by asking questions like, “Is contraception morally wrong?” They also get into your sexual preferences and dealbreakers. That’s when the algorithm takes over. At first, it feels a bit like Tinder. That would make sense as the two are owned by the same company, but it takes the more in-depth serious approach that goes beyond swiping based on appearances.

One critique that OKCupid gets is the feature that allows you to message someone who you haven’t matched with yet. They won’t see that message unless you match. While it keeps creepy messages at bay, it also lends itself to a bunch of unanswered messages and a strange feeling of rejection.

Tip for using OKCupid to find a long-term relationship: Don’t bother using this application if you are ultra-conservative. You likely won’t find anyone who meshes with your views. Also, show more than you tell. In other words, pick profile photos that communicate who you are as a person.

8.) The League

If all the apps were personified, The League would be the most narcissistic. To get on the app in the first place, you must apply by submitting your LinkedIn profile, current job status, and what university you attended. So yeah, it’s a little full of itself. However, for people who think that education and job status is a dealbreaker, it’s a nice change of pace from the randomness that apps like Tinder supply.

The League allows you to be very picky with your preferences, even allowing you to select which races you prefer to see. That makes our stomachs turn a little. If you’re willing to ignore the cringeworthy-ness, The League is a pretty decent dating app. It has a high success rate, so we think it deserves a review.

Members span all age groups but tend to be on the younger side. There’s also no way for catfish to get onto this app. You must link both your Facebook and LinkedIn for approval. Unless a catfish is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to land someone, they aren’t going to slip through the cracks on these dating apps.

Tip for using The League to find a long-term relationship: The League tends to be a tough crowd and the app comes across as a little judgmental. You can ease the tension by sending a message to someone who you have something in common with. Perhaps you’ve been to their university, hometown, or have insight about their career choice.

9.) Happn

Some people believe in fate and others believe in the “Proximity Effect.” There’s a strong correlation between proximity and attraction, which Happn takes into account. Rather than setting you up with people who live in a five-mile radius from you, Happn actually matches you with someone you’ve crossed paths with in the past. It’s a neat concept in that it shows you and your match have similar habits and interests. It’s also the most convenient way to date.

We’ll be honest though, there aren’t a ton of people who use Happn, so there might be slim pickings. There have also been reports that the daters you’ve apparently “crossed paths with” are hogwash. This is coming from users who never stepped foot outside of their homes and were told they had a handful of missed connections. However, there are also folks who say the exact opposite.

Regardless of whether or not the proximity feature is a placebo, it sure makes for a nice icebreaker when you finally do go on that first date!

Tip for using Happn to find a long-term relationship: Don’t rely too heavily on the proximity feature. Try to get to know the people who you match with and then decide if you want to meet up with them!

10.) HER

Nearly all dating sites claim to be inclusive of all sexualities and genders; however, many people in the queer community don’t completely agree. Some sites just don’t feel all that welcoming or provide enough options, especially to queer women. Grindr was there for queer men, but what about the ladies? That’s where the app HER comes in. It’s a tailored dating site and community for women in the LGBTQ+ community.

According to their members (currently 4 million and counting), HER is a really fun space. Profiles can get quite detailed with the ability to put your diet preferences (like vegan) on your profile, along with your astrological sign and pronouns. There’s also an entire element of HER that doesn’t really have to do with dating but rather operates as a social media platform and shows you what queer events are going on in your area.

HER is great, but it’s not perfect. In the past, users have reported some glitches that make the user experience a bit frustrating and annoying. However, they are actively working to evolve their functionality in a positive way.

Tip for using HER to find a long-term relationship: HER is all about empowering women and LGBTQ+ dating. Mimic that energy by always shining a positive light while you are chatting with new friends or matches.

11.) Silver Singles

Dating over 50 can be quite a challenge. Many of these online dating apps focus so much energy on catering to millennials that they don’t take time to consider the older daters. Silver Singles is a dating app that’s exclusively for daters who are age 50 and above. Knowing that you’re in the company of others who are your age and looking for love can be really comforting.

Silver Singles takes matching seriously and uses a personality test to break users up into the Big Five personality traits, and then matches you accordingly. There’s an expectation on Silver Singles that the dating is taken seriously, so it’s not for the person looking for something casual. The users who are old enough to be completely over dating games that tend to be consumed by them see this as a benefit.

Tip for using Silver Singles to find a long-term relationship: Make it clear that you are seeking a long-term relationship. You can do this by posting it in your profile or by opening each chat by explaining what you want out of the app. The mature daters will appreciate the transparency.

12.) Coffee Meets Bagel

The concept behind this dating app was to set up a casual online dating experience. It’s likened to grabbing a cup of coffee with someone, but online. The vibe is meant to feel low-key, so that pressure doesn’t get in the way of your dating experience. A Reddit review actually noted that “Coffee Meets Bagel helped me find someone, which I never thought would happen because I am cripplingly introverted.” So, we know it works!

Other dating sites will throw a bunch of options at you, leaving you swiping through tons of photos or scrolling through an indefinite amount of prospects. While this can be nice, it also can deter you from really investing in one person and might make you feel overwhelmed. It’s not exactly the easiest way to make a real connection. That’s why CMB sends you seven options a day that are carefully selected based on their matching algorithm. These matches are called “bagels,” which frankly is a little strange. But hey, we’re not here to judge CMB on anything but their success rate as a dating app. To encourage followthrough, the bagels only last for a week. If you really like someone, you need to reach out.

Another reason why CMB works so well is that the algorithm takes your previous swipes into account when curating the next batch of fresh bagels for you. It learns your trends and preferences based on actual activity rather than just a questionnaire.

Tip for using Coffee Meets Bagel to find a long-term relationship: Give each “bagel” a chance. You might be used to apps that give you tons of options; however, there’s a reason why these bagels were suggested to you. Don’t be afraid to do a deep dive into each of their profiles!

13.) AdultFriendFinder

Ok, so AdultFriendFinder isn’t exactly great for finding your soulmate, but nothing is impossible! The reason it makes the list is that some people like to approach dating in a casual way before getting into anything super serious. Physical intimacy is an essential part of any relationship, and AdultFriendFinder has no problems in that department.

While millennials rely on Tinder to help them find friends-with-benefits, AdultFriendFinder caters to an online dating crowd that’s a tiny bit older. It’s sort of the Tinder for Gen X. Given that there are so many users on AdultFriendFinder, it’s nearly impossible to not find someone interested in talking to you. But be warned—AdultFriendFinder is not for the faint of heart. There’s no telling how raunchy your inbox will get.

AdultFriendFinder is an adult site, so that means explicit photos are welcome and encouraged. You won’t find that on other dating websites. In a time where isolation is more familiar than physical touch, it’s a nice change of pace.

Tip for using AdultFriendFinder to find a long-term relationship: Keep an open mind, sexually. AdultFriendFinder has a lot of raunchy undertones. By going in without judgment, you open yourself up to a world of dating potentials on this site.

14.) Plenty Of Fish

Plenty Of Fish is a popular free dating site, but they’ve been known to have just as many bots as they do genuine users, so that’s why it sits at the bottom. This doesn’t mean that POF doesn’t work. It has been known to foster a ton of successful relationships. There are even some celebs who have found love on POF. It simply might get annoying attempting to dodge the folks who aren’t real.

One of the best aspects of POF is the volume of users. They have so many. Bots aside, even if you live in a small town or rural area, you will find plenty of prospects. Most apps function best in urban cities, but POF does the job well anywhere. Another thing we love is that POF, and all features like unlimited messaging, is totally free.

Because there are so many daters on POF looking for all sorts of relationships, POF has implemented a pretty advanced search feature that allows you to whittle down the crowd. The quality of daters doesn’t seem to be as top-notch as some other apps on this list, but there are definitely some catches who make their way onto the site.

Tip for using Plenty Of Fish to find a long-term relationship: POF is known for having a ton of users. With that in mind, be selective with who you decide to reach out to. Too many options won’t help you land that soulmate you’re after.

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