My wife has ‘new relationship energy’ with her girlfriendDan Savageon May 13, 2022 at 5:13 pm

Q: Straight guy here in a one-sided open relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship just for her and to females only, so she could explore her bisexual side. I’m super proud of her for coming out and wanted her to feel fulfilled. When we agreed to this, I was naive and figured anything she experienced would be purely sexual and nothing more. She recently caught feelings and now has a girlfriend. She stays at her girlfriend’s place one to two nights a week. I get jealous and sick to my stomach when she is over there. She has that “new relationship energy” going and talks about her girlfriend all the time. Aside from the jealousy, I feel like I am not a priority. I’m hoping my feelings get better with time. Besides this, our marriage is great. I love my wife very much and want to support her in this. Are one-sided open relationships something that can work? Are my feelings unjustified and what can I do to better deal with them? The logic used when we talked about a one-sided open relationship was that I can’t satisfy the female side she desires. But since I’m hetero, I don’t have an “unfulfilled” side. —Home Alone

A: Your wife isn’t the first person to come out as bisexual after making a monogamous commitment to an opposite-sex partner and then ask for permission to sleep with other people—without wanting to extend the same permission to their straight spouse. Since she’s bi and can’t get pussy at home, the reasoning goes, she should be allowed to get pussy elsewhere. Since you’re straight and can get pussy at home (when that pussy is at home), you’re not entitled to the same allowance. But as your wife is demonstrating, HA, it’s not just pussy she’s getting elsewhere. While she’s getting one very specific need met outside your relationship—admittedly a need you can’t meet—she’s getting a lot more than that. In addition to pussy, she’s getting variety, adventure, unique experiences, new relationship energy, and two overnights a week. Why shouldn’t you have some of that too? Not to even the score, but to feel like you’re an equal partner in this marriage and, as such, entitled to equal terms, equal treatment, and equal benefits.

And it doesn’t sound like you two were on the same page when it came to what opening your relationship entailed. You seem to have assumed—or figured—that your wife would be seeking sex elsewhere, sex and only sex, but your wife “caught feelings” and now she has a girlfriend. Agreeing to a one-sided open relationship is not the same thing as agreeing to one-sided polyamory. If you didn’t agree to that, HA, your wife had no right to expect that from you or impose that on you.

That said, one-sided open relationships can be great, HA, but they work best when the person who isn’t seeking sex outside the relationship either isn’t interested in having sex with other people or is turned on by the erotic power imbalance of being forbidden something their spouse is allowed—basically, this could work if you were a cuckold. Which you’re not.

Q: I’m a straight man who has been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years. I’m the only person she has ever been with. Over the years she has evolved into a wonderful giving partner open to things that turn me on. I take pride in being able to give her multiple orgasms although she only wants to do this about once per month. She has been happy to give me pleasure multiple times per month even, but she talks of it like it’s a chore (“wifely duties”) and is always asking me why I want it so much. I tell her it is more normal for men to want it more, and I wish she would want it more as well! I have used porn to get off since my teens. She accepts this because it means fewer chores for her, but she doesn’t like it. Recently I started using my phone to take videos of her performing oral on me as I enjoy watching this and it cuts down on the porn. She checked my phone and was upset at what she saw. I told her I was sorry, but she says I should’ve asked for permission. I told her I would have asked for permission, but I knew the answer would be no! She said of course it would be no and she called it sick and gross! I tried to explain again that it is quite normal behavior for most men to want to watch and it is for my eyes only! As I said, she has evolved, as early in the marriage she would have never done some of things she has learned to do while pleasuring me! Long story short, any words of advice on this sexy-for-me, not-so-much-for-her activity. —Sincerely Appreciate Your Advice, Sweet Savage

A: It’s not OK to take photos or videos of someone performing a sex act without their consent, SAYASS, even if that someone happens to be your wife. Even if that someone happens to have a lower libido than you do, even if that someone would rather you not look at porn, even if that someone enjoys most of the things you want them to do—not only isn’t it OK, SAYASS, it’s a crime. It’s not normal behavior, it’s asshole behavior—and, again, in most places it’s literally criminal behavior. So your wife has every right to be upset. You violated her and did so knowingly; you say you didn’t ask for permission to make those videos because you knew she would say no. Dude. If your wife had been writing me, SAYASS, I would advise her to get a lawyer and divorce you. 

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