To: Donald J. Trump

From: White House Guest Services

Date: January 20, 2021

Subject: Past due invoice

It has come to our attention that before you decamped to Mar-a-Lago last November, you did not settle our invoice for supplementary services provided to you. We attach a spreadsheet. This memo serves to explain charges that you may mistakenly have believed were included in your comped stay. As a former hotelier, you should be in a position to understand that “all-inclusive” is a weasel term. Here we go:

Resort fee: Although we understand that you never set foot in the White House gym, we nevertheless had to dust it regularly. The resort fee covers the gym and other amenities that were at your disposal, so it’s time to pony up. You will be invoiced separately for the installation of one commercial salon tanning bed as well as megawatt bronzing lamps.

Early check-out fee: You are doubtless familiar with early check-in fees, but perhaps you overlooked the penalty for early check-out. Transitions of power are expensive. Attorney General Preet Bharara is overseeing an audit of these expenses.

Additional person fee: CIA Director Adam Schiff has vetted a room service fee (see below) for Stolichnaya Vodka and beluga caviar and noted that you have not been known to consume either of those items.

Wi-Fi fee: If you had read the contract you signed when you began your stay, you would have noted that Wi-Fi service is complimentary in the lobby only. Twitter rants made from your bedroom were not covered. Should you wish to avoid this mistake in the future, Secretary of Education Pete Buttigieg will direct you to remedial reading classes.

Mini-bar fee: We understand that $20 per snack bag of Doritos may seem exorbitant, but our prices are based on what the marketplace will tolerate. Should you wish to dispute this, you may want to contact Secretary of the Treasury Elizabeth Warren.

Room service: Mickey D’s doesn’t give stuff away.

Monogrammed POTUS facemasks: Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Anthony Fauci notes that had you worn the masks, you would not have been charged.

Housekeeping gratuity: Secretary of Labor Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be in touch.