I never knew how much I needed my middle finger
today at 7:00 pm
As a new amputee, the middle finger on my right hand is chopped in half. In fact, thanks to my latest lupus flare I developed gangrene in my fingers and toes. To make matters worse, the fingers on my dominant hand are gone leaving me with a thumb.
My dominant hand is my left hand, the hand that I write with among other things. When my toes on my right foot were taken I didn’t feel any kind of way. My main concern was that I wasn’t going to be able to write anymore, sign my signature, clean myself properly, etc.
Like Covid-19, we had to adapt to a new normal. Many people couldn’t cope with quarantining and fell into a deep depression. I parallel this to my new normal of being an amputee. I keep forgetting that the middle finger on my right hand is of no use, especially when it comes grabbing cups, coffee mugs in particular.
This lupus flare was the worse one yet because it resulted in losing limbs. I’ve had lupus flares over the years and they usually have me in the hospital and rehab centers because I have to learn everything over again physically.
Lupus is one of the autoimmune diseases where the immune system gets confused, attacking itself instead of fighting off infection the way it should. Lupus remains a mystery as it’s labeled “The Great Mimicker” because you experience symptoms thinking you have one thing when it’s another.
Speaking of mystery, I’m experiencing “Phantom Limbs” when I still feel pain in the areas amputated. It’s very painful and annoying and weird. I read somewhere that the nerves sends signals to those areas.
Thankfully after being away from my sons for three months, the pain I endured means nothing; I’m just so glad to be home with them. To my surprise I’m handling my situation pretty well. I have my life which supersedes any adversity.