It’s extremely strange how one human being, Weird Al Yankovic, is so transcendently gifted for the art of parody songwriting, and the rest of us…well not as much…but in varying degrees. Randy Rainbow and BradyFan83 are actually pretty amazing at this.

All I know is this- the key is to retain the right lyrics when you can, and to strike the right balance between keeping/changing lyrics. I also know that being creative is the key to keeping your sanity during the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown. It helps you get through the monotonous days, which all bleed together at this point. What’s today? Frednesday Smarch 34th? I realized my 2020 day planner was pointless weeks ago and burned it for heat.

In terms of creativity, did you see the video of that British family doing “One Day More” from “Les Miserables” coronavirus version? It went viral (we need to retire that hackneyed old buzz phrase for good now!). What about the cast of “Hamilton” and their “In the Zoom Where it Happens“?

How about my sister’s coronapocalypse editions of songs from “West Side Story” and “Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?” Those are available upon request, email me. So in this spirit…I give you, “I Believe” from “The Book of Mormon.” (embedded below)

It’s actually already been parodied, in much better form than this, by NCIS Los Angeles’ Barrett Foa and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, about Mitt Romney in 2012 (embedded further below)

Ever since New Year’s
I thought 2020 could be the best…
So what happened?
I thought this could be a wonderful year…
so what happened?

March was supposed to be all so exciting.
Covering my alma mater in the tourney.
But on the 11th, everything got cancelled
Oh, woe is everyone, including me

I’ve always longed to leave the house more.
To do the things I never dared.
This was the time for me to step up.
But now we’re sheltering-in-place and scared

A novel virus with no therapeutic or vaccine.
What’s so scary about that?
I must trust that social distancing can beat it,
And the CDC always has my back.
Now I must be a complete shut-in
I can’t have even one single visitor!

I believe-
That anti-vaxxers are dangerous idiots.
I believe-
The Asian wet markets must be closed.
And I believe-
That Sean Hannity definitely doesn’t speak
for America.
I am a Chicagoan.
And a Chicagoan just believes.

You cannot quarantine part-way.
You have to quarantine all the time.
It’s time to set my social life free
Time to shun the entire world
And share my experience with no one except me!

I believe-
That Mayor Lightfoot has a plan for all of us.
I believe-
That plan involves
Me going absolutely nowhere.
And I believe
That the current President of the United States,
Donald Trump, has no clue WTF he’s talking about.
I am an Illinoisan and, dang it,
An Illinoisan just believes.

CHORUS
An Illinoisan just believes.

ELDER PRICE
I know that I must go and do-
The things Tony Fauci commands.

CHORUS
Things Fauci commands.

ELDER PRICE
I realize now why he sent me home!
If you use hand sanitizer in faith
It will always work for you, just believe
In W.H.O. and have no fear.

GUARD
(spoken) Immune system! We have an intruder! A virus just crossed the cellular membrane!

ELDER PRICE
I believe!!!
That Florida’s Governor is a Covidiot.
I believe!
That Georgia’s governor isn’t much better!
And I believe that in 1918 the Spanish got screwed when a Kansas or Chinese born influenza was named after them!!

CHORUS
It wasn’t actually a Spanish Flu!!

ELDER PRICE
You can be good at social distancing!
A social distancer just believes.

GENERAL
(spoken) How do we fight this?

ELDER PRICE
And now I can feel the isolation.
Doing what J.D. Salinger and Howard Hughes were born to do.
And I feel so incredible-
to be sharing Zoom, Skype and Cisco WebEx with you.
The guidelines say that you must stay six feet away,
If you listen to Dr. Birx herself you’ll know.
But you must listen to her without any doubt,
And let your facial hair grow!

CHORUS
Let your facial hair grow!

ELDER PRICE
I believe!
That J.B. Pritzker knows what he’s doing!
I believe!
That Newsom and Cuomo do as well.
And I believe
That the Garden of Eden is any place that has fresh air

If you believe,
The curve, we’ll flatten it.
And you’ll know it’s all true-
You’ll just see it.

We’ll be back to normal!!!
And by gosh-
Hopefully, that’s sometime this year!!!!
Oh, I believe!
I believe!

CHORUS

Believe!

Paul M. Banks runs The Sports Bank.net, which is partnered with News Now. Banks, the author of “No,  I Can’t Get You Free Tickets: Lessons Learned From a Life in the Sports Media Industry,” regularly appears on WGN CLTV and co-hosts the “Let’s Get Weird, Sports” podcast on SB Nation. 

You can follow Banks, a former writer for NBC Chicago.com and Chicago Tribune.com on Twitter here and his cat on Instagram at this link.

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