Medium Rare
Fast Food Avengers: The Chicken Wars (part 5)
Ronald McDonald raced his red roadster right down the rural country road. Paul looked ahead in the passenger seat. His palms were sweaty and his heart pounded up in his neck.
Ronald parked in front of the farmhouse. It was windy outside with dark overcast skies. A light rain began to fall and the large Louisville Cardinals flag hanging in front was flapping wildly in the air.
Note: You can continue reading, but if you’re new to the series it might be helpful to catch up with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. Either way, get ready for a wild ride…
The two men sprinted to the giant chicken coop area in the back. They burst into the room and saw all the cages wide open. Hundreds of feathers on the ground. Not a single chicken in sight.
“Looks like he flew the coop,” Ronald said with a straight face. “Let’s get back in the car and we can–”
“You can what, Ronald?”
Paul and Ronald turned around. Standing in the doorway was Colonel Sanders, arms crossed in front of his chest.
“What’d you do with my chickens!” Paul shouted.
Paul lunged forward and Ronald quickly held him back like an assistant basketball coach.
“They’re in good hands now, Paul,” the Colonel replied. “This time tomorrow, KFC will be serving the greatest chicken sandwiches in the history of the world.”
“You have no right,” Paul said.
“Join me, Paul. I saw that Louisville flag. Tell me, you ever been to KFC Yum! Arena? How does that sound – you, your wife, your son – courtside seats for the rest of your life. Be my Director of Farm Operations. We’ll make everything free-range. Organic. Whatever you want. We’ll even change the name: ‘Kentucky Freedom Chicken.’ Paul Tree, this is your destiny. The chicken sandwich is in your blood.”
“Well, then someone needs to get their cholesterol checked.”
The three turned around and standing in the doorway was the servant who ran away from the castle all those years ago. Sam Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick Fil A.
“Let me ask you a question, Colonel,” Sam said, “How will you launch Kentucky Freedom Chicken without the chickens?”
“What are you talking about?”
“At this moment, your little caravan of stolen chickens is en route to the Chick Fil A headquarters. I took ’em out with a pack of giant bears.”
“Alright,” Ronald chimed in, “What’s with the giant bears?”
“What’s with Grimace?” Sam replied.
“Eh, fair point,” Ronald said. He took a step back.
“This time tomorrow,” Sam continued, “Chick Fil A will solidify its spot once and for all, home of the greatest chicken sandwich in the world.”
“Tomorrow’s Sunday,” Colonel Sanders pointed out.
“Alright, fair point,” Sam said. “Tomorrow we’ll be closed. But on Monday–”
“There’ll be lines for miles and miles outside of every Popeye’s in America.”
The four turned around. Standing in the doorway was Annie, the spokeswoman for Popeye’s.
“Better check those bears, Sammy boy,” Annie said. “Those chickens are Louisiana bound. America’s gonna love that chicken from Popeyes.”
They heard a loud bell ringing outside. The five of them stepped out to see what was going on.
“Tomorrow, the greatest chicken sandwich in the world won’t even be a chicken sandwich,” Taco Bell called out.
Taco Bell paused. He was waiting for an audible gasp, a dun-dun-DUN sound effect, or at least some sort of reaction from everyone else.
“Well, you know, cuz it’ll be a soft shell taco,” he said with a voice of defeat.
“Not so fast!
Pizza Hut was standing beside Domino and Little Caesar.
“You’re looking at the new Big 3. Tomorrow the world will see the chicken sandwich pizza at The Little Domino Hut.”
“Not saying this to be a jerk,” Ronald said. “I just, I really don’t think that’s a good name.”
“No one out pizzas the pizza-pizza-pizza!” Little Caesar yelled back.
“Again, not being a jerk, but–”
“The Three Pepperonis are no match now that White Castle has its rightful king,” Burger King called out.
“Et tu, White Castle?” Ronald McDonald said with a frown.
“Well, nobody’s perfect,” White Castle replied with his arms out like that guy from the Michael Jordan documentary.
There was a loud bang from the small pond behind the farmhouse. A canon ball came flying through the air, crashing through the chicken coop area. Everyone ran for cover. Through the smoke and the down-pouring rain they could see a pirate ship out on the pond.
“I believe you’re forgetting ARRRRRRRBY’s!”
Long John Silver and the Oven Mitt were standing together on the deck.
“Where’s Wendy?” Paul asked.
“Right here,” Wendy said, tapping Paul on the shoulder. “Yeah, I’m gonna sit this one out. Pretty comfortable with our spicy chicken sandwich.”
A white van sped down the road. Doors opened and a black-haired woman and a skinny guy hopped out, both wearing matching white aprons.
“Flo? Jamie?”
More cars raced in like a Fast and Furious movie. One by one: The Gecko. Tony the Tiger. The Pillsbury Doughboy. The Morton Salt Girl. Shaquille O’Neal.
“Shaq?” Ronald asked. “You here on behalf of Icy Hot? The General? Papa Johns?”
“All of the above, baby.”
“Is everyone making a chicken sandwich?” Paul asked. Ronald McDonald shrugged.
Charging from the other side were Mr. Clean, the Kool-Aid man, Chester Cheetah, Jake from State Farm, and representatives from the Big 12, ACC, and Pac 12 conferences.
There was also this deep voice that carried over all the commotion with a god-like quality.
“Is that the guy from Allstate?”
“The chickens are in good hands now,” the Allstate guy replied.
The pizza trio charged at Taco Bell. Burger King was in a light saber duel with Mr. Clean. The Goodyear blimp flew overhead and no one was quite sure if they were part of the fight or just observing the action.
Paul looked back to the road and saw his wife pulling up in her Jeep. He could see his son through the back window, sitting in his car seat. It looked like he had an action figure in hand.
No more than 20 feet away from his family, there was Crash Bandicoot being handcuffed by the Paw Patrol.
With all the chaos raging around him, Paul only had one thought on his mind. I’ve gotta get my family out of here.
Paul sprinted ahead to the Jeep. Ronald McDonald trailed closely behind him.
The “Chicken Wars” series will continue with the finale (Part 6) going up on Wednesday, November 17th. This will also be the last Medium Rare post for 2021.
You can catch up on earlier parts of the story with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.
To subscribe to the blog, feel free to email me and I’ll get you all set up. And check out some other works at www.longoverduebooks.com
Hope you have a great week, and just a reminder, the McRib is back at McDonald’s.
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Chris O’Brien
I was born and raised in Midland, Michigan and moved here to Chicago a couple years ago after graduating from Hope College. I live in the city with my beautiful wife Ashley.
A little bit about me – I go to bed early, I enjoy greasy food and would wear sweatpants everyday if I were allowed to. I just signed up for a year-long Divvy membership, but could very well be the slowest bicyclist in Chicago.
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