by Aisha Isreal

Fourteen years of my life were spent being married to a sex addict.

For many years, I thought he was incredibly forgetful, bad with time management, and simply immature. Once I began paying attention, and following up on information he gave me, I realized he was a liar. Knowing he was a liar, led to suspicions, which led to full on investigations. It wasn’t until after our second child was born that I found out he was actually having intercourse with other women, regularly.

And right before I filed for divorce, I discovered his porn activity…ASTOUNDING!!!

Although overindulgence could lead to addiction, neither a strong desire for sex nor frequent sexual activity can deem someone a sex addict. If you’re wondering if you’re living with a sex addict or a serial philanderer, here are just five of several signs to spot one.

First. A sex addict is a liar.

Lying has become such a habit, they may lie for no apparent reason. In the beginning of the relationship, they will put a lot of thought into making their lies believable. But the more and more they get away with lying, the less effort will go into their lies. They may actually get so comfortable with their activities and feel so secure that you’re not going anywhere that they will get careless with their lies. They may even eventually give up lying, and simply choose to give you no explanation at all; and blame your questions or suspicions on insecurity. Which leads into sign number two.

Second. A sex addict accuses you of cheating.

It’s a defense mechanism…or better yet, a distraction. This is so you will turn your attention away from your suspicions of them and put effort and energy into defending yourself. Don’t fall for the okey-doke! If you are being faithful, simply say “You know I’m not cheating,” and leave it at that. 

Third. A sex addict is a narcissist.

Their needs take precedence over all other people’s needs and wants. They will do whatever needs to be done to meet their selfish needs. They don’t care who they hurt in the process. They are unrelenting. They may get angry, aggressive, and maybe even violent if you threaten to impede their needs being met. Or, they can play the victim. Whichever way they try to spin it, it will be to their advantage. They take, take, take, and rarely, if ever, give. If you feel like the energy or life is being sucked out of you, because you’re not getting anything in return, your boo is probably a narcissist.

Fourth. A sex addict is a predator.

They prey upon the very sympathetic or empathetic. They gravitate toward wounded souls, who will likely not resist their requests or demands. If you’re extremely lonely, needy or just “thirsty,” because you recently experienced heartbreak or have been single for a very long time, you’re a perfect target…I mean, mate.

Fifth. A sex addict has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.

Often because they are preoccupied with sex. The movies they watch. The conversations they have. The activities they participate in.  They may be intelligent and resourceful and find it easy to hide the truth from you. But living a double life is not the equivalent of maintaining a healthy relationship. They often lie and deceive to cover up what they are doing. And lies lead to more lies which lead to more covering up and more lies. They might beg you to stay if you threaten to leave. But ask yourself, what can they offer besides empty promises and feelings?

You deserve better.

Aisha Isreal is an author, public speaker and life coach. Her book, End of Silent Suffering: What Every Spouse of a Sex Addict Should Know, is now available on Amazon.