Somethings are just wrong.

Pedophilia. A criminal act that I do not endorse and not a usual blog topic. But sometimes my postings are born of strange circumstances. This is one of them. And here is how it came about.

In a group email, Michael, a West Coast friend of mine whose business card reads “film critic, journalist, instructor” chided me about a recent blog. He took umbrage at my inclusion of Gilbert O’Sullivan and Alone Again (Naturally) at the #1 slot in my list of Songs to Quarantine By, obviously believing the big 1972 hit was below my standard of excellence. I replied, still in the group email, that O’Sullivan had another hit with a second, even worse 1972 release, the queasiness-inducing Clair, a ballad sung to a very young girl. My final comment to Michael was “lock him up!”

And the flood gates of pedophile rock were released. Michael countered with Cousin Kevin, a disquieting number from The Who’s rock opera Tommy, an album which also featured Uncle Ernie–and I never trusted that uncle. Our mutual friend Gary joined in with Gary Puckett’s Young Girl and then reached way back into the musical time machine to dig up Steve Lawrence’s Go Away, Little Girl, a song he recorded five years into his marriage to Eydie Gormé. I wonder how Eydie felt about lyrics like “When you are near me like this, You’re much too hard to resist, So go away little girl before I beg you to stay.” Anything for a hit song!

More cringe-worthy numbers came flying off the shelf. The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close To Me, for every male teacher being lusted after, and doing some lusting himself. Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground. And then our resident blues/R&B expert Roger rocked in with a slew of suggestions. He named lots of Sweet 16 type songs from blues stalwarts BB King, Chuck Berry, and John Lee Hooker. Roger also accused Mr. Berry of going for 3-year-old Marie in Memphis, but I assured him Marie was 6 years old, at least in the Johny Rivers cover version of the song.

None of us came up with a woman perpetrator, Mary Kay Letourneau not having a hit record that we know of. And for Barb’s sake, I am giving a pass to Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, both because Neil Diamond would never have underage thoughts, and because of the dynamite version by Chicago’s own Urge Overkill in Pulp Fiction. Uma Thurman was nobody’s little girl.

So why is there so much music about those predatory urges? Maybe it is the lifestyle of musicians. Just ask Stones bassist, Bill Wyman. I am sure he could tell you all about it. I know you could come up with many more songs for this list–but don’t send ’em in.  I can get by just fine without any added ickiness.

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