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The Shumer-McConnell Telephone Call I Would Like To Hear

Mitch McConnell and Chuck Shumer need to chat.

The phone call I would love to hear…

Hello Mitch, did I wake you?

Not at all Chuck. You know we are up at the crack of dawn here in Kentucky. Mountain men! How is the lad from New York doing today?

Just fine Mitch, but I have to ask you. Are you going to go through with this…this selection to the Court? Do you really think it is the best thing for the country?

Well you know Chuckie, it’s what the President wants. And I didn’t get where I am snubbing the most powerful man in the country. Besides, it’s what I always planned to do. Get the Court right…I mean tilted to the Right.

So all that talk in 2016 about the people having a choice…not having a hearing for Merrick Garland. What was that?

Politics my young man, politics. Haven’t you learned anything in all your years in the Senate? You knew I was lying, my lips were moving.

Your moving lips is not a sight I want to see at 6 a.m. But tell me, are you a betting man, Mitchie?

I’ve been known to drop a few dollars on a Derby bet or two. My Old Kentucky Home and all that. Why do you ask?

Because I think you are making a big losing bet. I think if you have this vote on Trump’s nomination, the Dems are going to roar. We’ll beat the Pumpkin Head in the popular AND the electoral vote. We’ll take the Senate back. We’ll hold the House.

And then the dominos are going to fall. Your Conservative Supreme Court? Gone when we pack the court with a few juicy liberal judges that WE name and confirm. Your competitiveness in the Electoral College? Gone when DC and Puerto Rico become states. Your dreams of everlasting white power supremacy? Gone, Gone, Gone.

Now if you have a change of heart and put off your confirmation of Judge Barrett or whoever it might be, you might have a chance in the November elections. If you win, you get Barrett. And even if you lose, maybe we won’t have to come at you so hard next year. Maybe we can work together and accomplish something.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Did he fire six shots or only five?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do you, punk?

Oh Chuck, I love it when you do that Clint Eastwood impersonation. Can you talk to an empty chair too? C’mon and make my day.

OK Mitch, you and your Red Robbers have been warned. Confirm a Supreme Court Judge before the election–and this whole thing is going to blow. And not even Clint will save you.