I’ve Been Married for 4 Years. Why Am I So Lonely?
Posed by a professional model.
By Jane Doe
Editor’s note: Jane Doe submitted a question confidentially to the #SBCCHAT (our weekly relationship chat on Twitter) about her situation, and we asked her for more details. Jane decided to submit this blog instead.
I’ve been married for 4 years, so why do I feel so lonely?
Married people are supposed to be happy, right? But sometimes I feel more alone than ever. It seems like everyone around me is in a happy relationship, and I can’t help but feel left out. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I feel content in my own marriage?
These are questions that I often ask myself.
And unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. Maybe it’s because my husband and I have grown apart over the years. Or maybe it’s because I’m not fulfilled in my career or home life. Perhaps it’s the 2+ year of lockdown with no end in sight.
Just as I was thinking about my loneliness, my 1-year-old son was crawling to me. There it is, I thought; the reason for my loneliness.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic, but also nervous.
I knew there was a real possibility that my ex was the father of my child.
My husband started working as a long-distance truck driver, and his schedule of several days on the road hit me hard. I felt that my husband was pulling away from me, and right on cue, my ex began to show me attention.
While my husband was on the road–and the world was locking down–I was hooking up with my ex, in our marital bed, several nights a week. I changed the sheets and made love to my husband on weekends to cover up the guilt, but I really couldn’t stop myself.
I was two months pregnant, and the moment I told my ex, he ran out on me. So I flipped the script and played the happy pregnant wife.
I couldn’t wait to tell my husband the news.
Our son was born and I knew that my husband was not the father. I cried in the delivery room. The nurses thought I was shedding tears of joy–they were tears of shame.
I stole money from our joint account and got a paternity test. The results were quick and devastating: My ex is my son’s biological dad.
I told my ex he was the father, my ex’s response:
‘I think the best thing you can do is stay married and let your husband raise your child. I’m not interested in being a dad.’
The fact of the matter is that I’m lonely in my marriage because I’m a liar.
Telling my husband the truth would not set me free, it would land me in divorce court and in poverty, therefore, I am doomed to carry this lie forever. Also, this is my husband’s first son–I can’t take that from him.
No one will know that my husband is not the father of my child, but you.
Thank you for reading.
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