Report: Trump to Pardon Benedict Arnold
today at 3:12 pm
My usually unreliable sources at Faque News.conjob are reporting that a leaked White House document revealed that POTUS fully intends to exercise his “Limitless” powers of Pardons to free from censure Benedict Arnold, as well as other controversial figures, both living and deceased. Reporter Charlatan Mountebank has released the famous names listed in the document, accompanied by Trump’s rationale for each exoneration.
Benedict Arnold: “In my book ( by the way, which Tony Schwartz didn’t write Art of the Deal like he claims. I’ll sue right after I sue all those litigious babes who I had consensual–and sensual–sex with, believe me.) Loyalty is the most important thing to me–especially if you’re loyal to a psychotic egomaniac, which King George really wasn’t, as many people have told me. They called him Mad King George not because he was completely and permanently unhinged, but because those American colonists turned on him and that made him really pissed off. Arnold was the Rudy Guliani of his day, the so-called Continental Congress was the Antifa. I even made one of my favorite breakfasts (once-over-lightly eggs with Hollandaise sauce) after my favorite American historical hero: Eggs Benedict Arnold.”
Genghis Khan: ” Before all you card-carrying constitutional “scholar” libtards get your Jewish noses out of joint, I declare that the President’s pardoning-authority is Limitless. And that means Foreign and Domestic, Dead or Alive, Fictional or Non-Fictional. Got it? Anyway, although I don’t believe in science, this one “distinguished” geneticist, Sykes, claimed that the genomes of 16 million people can be traced to one common male ancestor. And get this. Most of them live in the same swath of territory conquered by Genghis Khan. You do the algorithm, pal. Anyway, any guy who apparently impregnated that many babes is okay in my book (which Tony Schwartz definitely did not write; I did). And just think of all the other female “Spoils Of War” he must have nailed but didn’t fertilize, due to birth-control pills and devices, which I disapprove of in the legislation I propose to write in my forthcoming second term.”
Ted Bundy: ‘Sure he liquidated lots of babes, but I’m convinced he consensually seduced first. And think of how many he nailed without bothering to snuff them. After all he was, like me, an irresistibly handsome hombre.”
Jeff Daumer: “If I was defending him in court, I would point out to the judge (if he was compassionate and reasonable in these matters ( like, say, that Kavanaugh dude) , andd say “The absence of a “no” constitutes adult consent. And those fairies were D-E-A-D at the time. Not guilty, your honor.”
Charles Manson: “With Charley boy, I’d use the Grandma defense: If a kid misbehaves and uses the excuse that his best friend, Floyd, told him to do something naughty, didn’t Grandma always say “If Floyd told you to jump in the lake, does that mean you had to jump in the lake?” Charley only suggested felonious behavior to his friends. Kind of the same as me. Which proves I’m not guilty”
Robert E. Lee: ” Even though I said I know more than any general, I was only referring to the 20th and 21st century. Lee knew more tactical stuff than anybody. He was just betrayed by the Southern populace, especially the nig, er, Negroes.”
Jeffery Epstein: “Epstein (a person can barely recall every meeting) happened to like ’em young, So? Is that a crime?Besides, many people have told me that a dude named Humbert Humbert had the same appetites, and never became a jailbird like Epstein unfairly did. And his girlfriend (who I know a little, a very little). Maxwell, unfairly might and who will be getting a pardon you bet your ass.”
Attila the Hun: “See Genghis Kahn. More or less.”
Bernie Madoff: Legislative overreach is what did him in. Thanks to the socialistic, Marxist Dems,damn them. Hang in there, Bernie, in memory of that great financial innovator, “Chucky” Ponzi, the cavalry is on its way and they’re carrying a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card with them. Will there be a big fat check coming my way, Bernie? You think? Free unfettered enterprise is making America Great Again!”
Jim Jones: “Nobody forced his followers to drink that Kool-Aid. It was only a suggestion. But what happens?This Congressman, what’s his name, Ryan comes along and blurts out a story that Jones is a bad guy. No evidence. Jim made two mistakes. He should have made Ryan sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement. And he should have had his followers sign a paper saying nothing that happens to them are his, Jim’s, fault. I could have advised him that stuff So what happens bottom line? Kool-Aid stock tanks, but I called Mercer and luckily went short on it. Maybe I got the suicide news early. Maybe I didn’t. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. By the way, I know Jones wasn’t arrested for anything. But history has branded him a “loathsome, egomaniacal, insane monster”. See, those Leftist historians have a history of being unfair to Great leaders. Such as I’m not sayin’ who, I’m just sayin’.
Dreyfus: Jared recommended that I pardon this guy. But I checked it out with a Dem historian who explained that Dreyfus had already been pardoned. So, I looked up the so called Dreyfus Affair in Wikipedia and, you know what, I saw he did it. I’m looking into investigating whether as President, I’m empowered to rescind his exoneration, kind of how I did with that business with the Central Park Five. And also Obama’s forged birth certificate. And this last election.